


Healing Heda

by alphamiddle21 (orphan_account)



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: BAMF Clarke, Clexa, F/F, Injured lexa, POV Clarke Griffin, POV Lexa, Slow Burn Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-23
Updated: 2016-06-20
Packaged: 2018-05-15 18:49:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 31,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5795824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/alphamiddle21
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A couple months after the event at Mt. Weather a lot has changed. The Skikru are joining the coalition and most everyone has accepted Clarke as their leader. Someone opposes the coalition and Lexa has to fight a duel (based on the S3 Trailer). She is hurt and being mad stubborn so Clarke does her best to fix her up. Lexa realizes that though she is physically injured Clarke is hurting worse and she tries to fix the equally stubborn woman though she realizes she gave up that right when she left Clarke and her people to die.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Go away, I'm fine.

Lexa stands side by side with Clarke above the crowd of grounders awaiting an announcement in regards to the week long deliberations taking place in the middle of Polis. The hundreds of people pressed close together were buzzing and shifting around, anxious for the news. As she looked just above their heads at the last pile of snow hidden below an evergreen a gentle breeze brushes against her cheeks and she can’t help but think how much she loves the early spring. The pile of snow not yet melted protected in a tree’s shadow always made her think. It would linger for months past the winter, when the weather was no longer freezing. The sun never reached it, so it stayed cold protected by the darkness. Sometimes Lexa wondered if the sun would ever reach her through her own.

 

_Focus, Heda._ They were finally going to have peace. She had done right by her people. The weight of the world was a little lighter on her shoulders today, even more then it had been recently with the presence of the Sky Prisa. Clarke had helped ease her load, Lexa couldn’t figure out how but she was beyond grateful. The girl’s light, as dim as it had grown, seemed to reach even through the vast shadow covering her heart.

 

“We, the leaders of the coalition, and I, Heda, welcome the sky people into the coalition. Our 12 clans have become 13. We will thrive together with their help and trade with not only goods but knowledge and technology. With the Mountain gone we will finally have peace - real peace. We can live now.” She quickly shifts her shining green eyes to Clarke and nods her head only slightly, never losing her composure. No emotion. “We can thrive!” A cheer erupts from the crowd. Lexa’s raised hand quiets them as she continues. Clarke swallows the lump she didn’t realize was forming in her throat. “As tradition stands any person apposed can challenge me to a duel - a fight to the death - in question of the Skikru’s position in the coalition.”

 

“Skikru does not belong here, Heda.” The crowd pressed up to the platform with the 12 clans’ leaders lets out a gasp and part around the man. A man Lexa recognizes steps forward a spear in hand. A murmur rises to a roar in seconds only to be quieted by the simple, lazy, rise of Lexa’s hand. Her expression locks on dark eyes of her challenger, unchanging and completely void of emotion despite her annoyance. _Couldn’t let it go, could you?_

 

“Very well. You shall have your duel Roan.” She steps down from the platform, the blond following shortly because her place is not on the platform with the rest of the leaders, not yet. The crowd backs up into a large circle, the two fighters at opposite ends of the gap.

 

“Lexa, I can fight for my own people.” Clarke whispers as she straightens the commander’s armor her eyes locked Lexa’s as they snap from where the warrior was adjusting her dagger at her hip. The blonde can’t help but wonder how she can be so good at allowing no emotion to show. It is unsettling. Maybe that’s what Bellamy meant when he said she had changed as he looked at her and pleaded for Clarke to talk to him before she told him there was noting to say. _Let me in._ He had begged. _Please._

 

“Clarke,” Lexa allows a small smile to reach her eyes trying to calm the nerves of her counterpart only visible in the slight tremble of her usually steady hands upon her armor. She was equally proud and saddened at her improvement in controlling her emotions. It came at such a cost, but that was the cost of leadership. Lexa just hoped that Clarke’s heart was not yet cold enough for the ice to stick, she knew she had more then enough darkness to hide it. “this is not my first duel. We shall be in coalition within the hour. You and your people have noting to worry about.” _I’ve got this._

 

Clarke removes her hands from the metal atop the commanders shoulders and moves to take her place next to Cain on the inside of the circle. “Just be careful, ok? I still need your spirit to stay where it is.” She mutters with a small smile only reaching the corners of her mouth just for Lexa to hear. The leader only nods in response before turning around and taking a step into the center of the ring to her waiting challenger. _Get this over with._

 

Roan stands across from her, jaw flexed tight and eyebrows furrowing in determination. “I’m doing this for our people, Heda. I do not trust the Sky people.” His breath reeks of the Ski drink and the circles below his eyes hinting toward his lack of sleep are his only sign of weakness.

 

“They returned you from the red. They brought you back from the dead. I _am_ doing what is best for my people.” Lexa sneers at him, his words from earlier echoing in her mind. _No one should have that power, they should have let me die._ Angry and annoyed she prepares herself to fight.

 

The man lunges at Lexa as she takes her stance she quickly side steps the whirling spear. The two circle each other a moment taking in small details of their opponent. Lexa will have to be quick and smart, this man is fast and strong but somewhat predictable. He fights angry, with calculated ferocity. Almost like Bellamy or the sky warriors. It's stiff. He stabs at her chest and in a moment of forgetfulness Lexa blocks the jab too slow as he cuts through her shirt just grazing her skin. Focus, Heda.

 

Lexa strikes back spinning away from the impact and cuts the baggy clothing hanging in front of the mans torso exposing a small piece of skin. He glares at her and swings the spear like a staff. The two fight, neither landing another blow as they spin with the momentum of their weapons and bodies in a circular fight. Lexa sings her sword to strike but her shoulder catches still not healed from a few weeks ago giving Roan enough time to strike. He pops her same shoulder with the blunt end of his spear spinning her against her body and kicks her leg to drop her to the ground for a moment.

 

Switching the blade to her left hand she swings up catching the side of his face with the but of her sword knocking him off balance enough for Lexa to disarm him easily. She slashes his leg open with a cut but the man stays on his feet. He doges a swipe to detach his head from his shoulders slimly enough for the blade to catch a blade of hair on his head. A dagger retaliates a similar blow to Lexa’s thigh, it’s deep - she’s had worse, but a foot connects with her hand knocking her sword from her grip. _Quit messing around. End this._

 

She expertly doges the frantic swipe of his knife catching his arm and sending a strong knee to his ribcage. With a grip on his head she sends him to the ground pinning his arms under her legs as she works punches to his face unable to reach the knife in her boot. The familiar pressure of bruises forming at her knuckles spurs her on. She hates how much she enjoys the feeling. Roan shifts his hips upward a move she was expecting but his strength below her sliced leg gets an arm out. He grips her arm at the elbow pulling her off balance and his other arm is free. She sees his arm fly to her temple too late. A rock collides with the side of her head with a sickening hollow sound It throws Lexa further off balance but she keeps her consciousness. Her head is pounding and her thoughts of what to do next go foggy. The fight will be all instinct now.

 

There isn’t but a second before she feels a rough tug at her arm cranking behind her back unnaturally. Her elbow reaches her opposite shoulder blade as he throws it behind her back with a loud pop and a stifled growl from the commander. 

 

Lexa feels the pain behind her eyes ad it shoots down her arm now stuck behind her back and not responding to the commands to her muscles. Her breath though growing more rapid from the fight was under control until that moment. _Fight. You are Heda. You do not lose._

 

He is sitting on top of her now fist pounding her exposed ribs in the same spot. Once they both feel the crack he places his hands at her neck strangling her. Reaching with her free arm she reaches to her hip catching the knife hidden below her sleeve on her belt to pull it free from it’s sheath. He doesn’t notice it hit the ground. Lexa wraps her fingers loosely around the handle and stabs into his ribcage, twisting the knife in his skin before pulling it out.

 

The man flinches down but it is too late. Lexa’s hand has slipped under his arm and stabbed his opposite shoulder again twisting the blade so he removes his hands from her neck. With a knowing finality she whispers “Yu guomple ste odon” and slices his throat. Blood splatters on her face as he falls to the side helped by Lexa pushing him off of her into the dirt.

 

“It is done.” Lexa somehow manages to stand on her own, utterly exhausted dark spots dance behind her eyes and the gash in her leg making her nerves scream. Her arm falls limp at her side. Digging her teeth into her lip she rolls her shoulder back gaining some control back. The rip of pain up her nerves forms in a grunt in the back of her throat to be swallowed with the blood seeping from her lip.

 

She wipes the blood from her knife on her pant leg before placing it back in it’s place inside its sheath on the inside of her forearm. Fighting the shivers and the wobble she can feel starting in her limbs she stands steadily, her eyes slowly scanning the ring around her not really seeing anything. “We and now joined in coalition. Thirteen clans together for peace.”

 

 

 

The crowd roars and begins chants of Heda. Lexa turns slightly and nods to where she knows the leaders of the clans are standing the dots still plaguing her vision. “Heda, you dragged that one out.” The familiar voice of Indra and the outline of the women in front of her chides. Her hand grasps around the fading young leaders arm in a hand shake that is retuned with shooting pain from her shoulder.

 

“Shop off, Indra.” Lexa warns as her arm is released.

 

Clarke who is now in front of her does the same gesture but searches her eyes a pang of worry churns in her gut. Lexa’s eyes are missing some of the light behind them. Small beads of sweat settle below her nose and between her eyes. Clarke can see the pain in the corners of the commander’s fading consciousness. A loosened grip on her arm hints to Lexa of Clarke’s discovery. _Not here, Clarke._ She pleads silently. Thankfully she doesn’t say a word.

 

Seeming to ignore the commander the blonde steps forward and accepts the dagger offered to her taken from the dirt next to Roan. Lexa had explained to her earlier of the blood sacrifice needed to finalize the coalition. Clarke pulls the blade against the palm of her hand. The cut stings as it slices through the skin she works to keep up her mask. Lexa didn’t stick around to watch. Clarke is a leader, she can do this on her own, so she snuck out while the eyes were on the beautiful women raising her hand dripping in blood and pressing it onto the heart of those lined up before her to receive the mark on their clothing symbolizing becoming one.

 

In the safety of her tent Lexa allows herself to let out a shaky breath she didn't know she was holding. She leans against the war table at the center of the tent for support as she struggles to remove her armor. _Damn buckles. Why is this so complicated?_ The effort is dizzying, every bit of movement only shredding her nerves more. Lexa forces herself to take a break and allow her now rapid breathing to slow. The crowd erupts again outside and a smile creeps to her lips, _welcome Clarke_.

 

The flaps of the tent slide open briefly as the warrior tires to straighten up off the table and swallow her panting deep in her scorching lungs. "Heda." The tall healer bows his head upon entering the tent. "I am here to tend to your wounds. Indra sent me." The only thing keeping the young leader from falling over is the pressure of the table on the backs of her thighs.

 

She focuses as best as she can on the deep brown of her trusted healer's eyes. She knew Indra saw how hurt she was, she only hoped no one else had noticed - besides Clarke. She should have ended that fight before it had even started. _What is going on with me?_

 

"I am fine, Nyko. Mere flesh wounds." She waives dismissively through the air with the arm now dangling at her side. The pain pulsing from her shoulder is excruciating, he need not see her sweat. She can't allow that. There are many things not even Nyko has seen, she has made sure of that. "You may leave." He simply bows his head and leaves his bag on the floor where he was standing remembering clearly the last time he tried to help his commander when she insisted she was fine - he was nearly decapitated.

 

 

Finally her armor falls to the floor from her back. The weight removed from her dislocated shoulder comes as a relief but it was costly. She leans her back against the war table hunched over again trying to slow her breathing - if not for the sake of oxygen then for the sake of the stabbing in her ribs. Lexa can't help but clutch her dangling arm to her torso and press her hand to the origin of the pain of her ribs. Her heart is racing, the pulsating is heavy through out her body, the throbbing making staying on her feet even harder. _You've been hurt worse than this. Suck it up._

 

Her headache competes with her shoulder as her mind clouds further. Heads were not meant to have heart beats. The tent is spinning and Lexa desperately wishes she could hold her head between her hands to try to hold it still.

 

The back of her throat burns before she is forced over, losing part of the contents of her stomach on the floor in front of her. A growl passes through her clenched teeth at the lurch forward and her abs clenching down to disturb her ribs. Her breathing picking up again, no breath stays long enough to renew the oxygen in her blood, as it's pace tries to keep up with her pounding heart's. Before she forgets she forces herself to pull the cloth tight around her thigh tying it around her leg to hold a rag there in a feeble attempt to bandage the wound. It's deep. At a sharp inhale she holds her breath for a moment and lets it out slowly. The effort to calm herself down works but her vision is almost completely black now.

 

_Breathe, strik Heda, breathe through the pain. A warrior must master her pain._ She remembers Anya's lecture from when she was 8. Just fallen from a tree her arm unnaturally resembled the limp branches of the willow tree her mentor had just set the break and was working on tying a splint around it. Lexa hadn't cried then, just as she would not now, but her lungs had caught fire and refused to work. He lower lip quivered as she tried to be tough for Anya. Y _ou can not afford pain, strik Heda._ Anya's fingers gently pressed on her quivering lip so the inside was between her teeth, she didn't need to explain - if you can't keep it from quivering bight on it. She breathed through her nose biting hard on her lip she looked into Anya's shining eyes. _Good, Lexa._

 

The table shifts behind her legs the pressure rising diagonally to her back as she slips, the earth pulling her back to it for a nap. Before she can fall all the way she is caught in small arms. "For fucks sake, Lexa!" She hadn't even noticed the blonde enter the tent or that she herself was hardly standing all she wanted was to succumb to the pressing unconsciousness. Lexa slowly opened her eyes and let out another breath straightening her spine in the presence of the Sky Princess though she could not bring herself to let go of her arm or ribcage. Clarke's face was red, the vein in the side of her neck was popping out.

 

"I am fine Clarke. Just as I told Nyko." She mumbled. _Speak with authority! What is wrong with you. You are fine!_ Despite the fuzziness of her mind Lexa was in no mood to be lectured on her failure to accept medical attention. She just wanted to be alone in her pain so she could express it how she pleased. Lexa realized she did not have the energy nor the presence of mind to keep her mask through treatment, it was slipping now and as Anya had said she could not afford pain. She looked into the deep blue eyes as long as she could manage before glancing away. 

 

Clarke's gaze was too much, she knew Clarke was right but she still couldn't accept the help. "You may leave. I will be to the celebration shortly." She had thought she wanted to be alone, she needed to be alone in this time of weakness but here was the blonde again pushing her boundaries. Reading her like no one has ever before.

 

"Like hell you are. You've dislocated your shoulder and that gash is bad. I need to take a look." The stubbornness is palpable in the room. Both women determined to get their way. Lexa not wanting Clarke to be right, not wanting to let her in but wanting noting else at the same time dropped her head. She was too exhausted and knew the healer wouldn't leave. _I don't take orders from you, Lexa._ Rattled in her mind the last time the two disagreed, even though now she technically did as she had joined the coalition. Lexa didn't think she would ever see Clarke as anything but her equal. Her heart flutters in her chest and her stomach flips in nervousness. Clarke would see her like this, probably worse, and there was nothing Lexa could do to stop it. "I'll be gentle. I promise.”

 

"It is not your gentleness that I am concerned with, Clarke." _I must not be weak._ She internally kicks herself for being so forward, but the blonde just looks back into Lexa's unfocused eyes with understanding.

 

_I know._ _Let me help you._

 

_Ok._ Lexa nods slightly allowing her eyelids to flutter shut, her head still spinning. The other girl's fingers brush the skin of her exposed forearm and coax it gently from where it holds the injured arm to her core. Clarke's fingers slide up her obliques with the hymn of the shirt tickling her feverish skin up to the base of her bindings. She moves Lexa's good arm from the bloody shirt and slowly lifts the collar over her head before very gently guiding the other sleeve from her arm. _Clarke is very good at this. How practiced must those hands be?_

 

There is a moment of silence. Lexa makes herself breathe, trying to control her heart now speeding again from the lingering touch of the sky girl. Her stomach had twitched the skin tight across it, there was an uncomfortable pressure just over her hips as the blonde's skin had met hers. She shuttered at the chill trailing down her spine partially from the cooler air not yet warm from the crackling fire but mostly from the slow drawl of Clarke's fingertips. If she wasn't so focused on remaining conscious she would have sworn the younger girl's cheeks turned pink as she took in the sight of her bare abdomen. She didn't care in the slightest, her mind too fogy, but she couldn't help but think that this was not how she had wanted Clarke to take her shirt off.

 

A damp rag wipes across a cut in her left shoulder, the alcohol stings fiercely enough Lexa grits her teeth. She still can't understand her pain, she has had wounds cleaned before. This is nothing. A gentle tickle of air on her skin soothes her nerves before Clarke places a bandage over the wound. Lexa realizes the girl is blowing on it. She didn't have to do that. Lexa has seen her treat many of her warriors but never the use of this technique and that makes her chest feel a little lighter.

 

"Stay here. I'm going to set up the cot." Before Lexa can even breathe her protests the healer interjects. "You are hardly conscious. Besides, I have to reduce this dislocation and stuff and it makes it easier if you are sitting. I let you fight for my people, now you have to let me fix you." _I am not broken - only but a little._ "You need to trust me.”

 

Lexa swallows hard. The blond's face is inches from hers, sweet breath tickles her eyelashes. Those soft gentle hands grip her upper arms expertly, both firm and delicate. Her gentle blue eyes are pleading _I need you to trust me._ "I do, Clarke." she concedes her body and will power to the blonde for the time being.

 

Clarke returns after a few moments, if it was possible Lexa's nerves feel more raw. Fire is surging through her blood, burning through her bones. The muscles around her injured shoulder tense and contract, spazzing Clarke calls it. It is nearly unbearable. For the first time, Lexa is unsure how much more of this she can take. _You had it worse last month, you're fine. No pain._

 

"Try your best to relax." She coaches as she helps Lexa sit back on the cot leaning her against a post holding up the tent for a back rest she can feel the stretch through her legs before she bends her knees out to the side.

 

The spazzing makes it harder to breathe then it already was. Sweat is dripping down her face as she closes her eyes and lets her head bow. She feels Clarke's hips next to her thigh on the cot as her skilled hands place Lexa's head on her shoulder and move to hold Lexa's hip and her mid back leaning her forward slightly. The hand moves from her back for a moment before a cold metal circle presses into her back just below her twitching shoulder and air rushes in between her teeth as her shoulder blades pinch quickly together. Another chill runs up her spine.

 

"Sorry. I need to listen to your lungs." Clarke mutters softly into her ear. Lexa breathe's in her scent of woodsmoke and lavender. _It is entirely ok, Clarke._ "Breathe. In…. Out…" The healer waits for her patient to comply. Its a short shallow breath, Lexa stops herself from expanding her aching ribcage too much. She feels as if her nerves are overloading with agony. "As deeply as you can. Again for me. In… Out…" The circle finds a lower spot on her back expecting it this time Lexa saves herself the pain of the twitch. "Good, again. In… Out." Her hand moves across the older girl's lower back her arm providing warmth and comfort to Lexa's hot exposed skin littered with goosebumps and beads of sweat. "And again. In… Out.." Lexa relaxes further into Clarke's shoulder with her arm now across her back pressing the circle to just below her opposite shoulder. She breathes on her own this time, it hurts but she focuses on the warmth on her forehead and side of her face from the closeness with Clarke.

 

When Clarke moves her arm Lexa wants to whine in protest. She could stay there forever, it has become even harder not to fall asleep now in the comfort of Clarke's body, she could get used to this. Her attention snaps slightly back as the warmer peace of metal is pressed slightly below her breast, sliding just a little under her binding. Clarke's thumb resting just to the side brushing her skin back and forth. "Again." Lexa tries her best to breathe in and becomes well aware of her heart's quickened pace. She sure Clarke has too.

 

She listens to the other side, the circle dangerously close to the epicenter of the pain in her ribs. A groan escapes her lips and a shaky breath follows shortly after as she attempts to control her body. She digs her head further into Clarke's shoulder as her whole body tenses. "It's ok. Nice and slow." A slightly less shaky breath passes. "Good, Lexa. Almost done. Two more. You're doing great." _Doing great? I'm only breathing. Why are you being so weak, Heda?!_ Lexa almost doesn't care as her focus is forced from punishing herself by the heel of Clarke's hand rests on her breast to listen to her upper lungs on each side - almost. Thank god her head is buried into Clarke's shoulder her cheeks feel warm and the tips of her ears are burning.

 

"You're breath sounds are even, which is good. You broke a rib or two though, probably separated more." Clarke explains as she leans her back against the post removing the thing from her ears and tossing it back onto the bag, the frown clear in her voice. She knew that already though, she has broken them enough times to know. Lexa opens her eyes slowly, her mouth suddenly gone dry. Her pupils are met with a bright light moving quickly back and forth for a few moments. Lexa leans her head back eyes fluttering closed again. _Sleep._ "Lexa, you have a bad concussion. I need you to stay awake. Just a little while longer. Then you can sleep, I promise.”

 

"Ok." She presses her tung to the roof of her mouth desperate to generate moisture. "Water?" She is answered with the press of cool metal to her lips. The relief comes as a wave to her aching body if only for a moment. "Thank you, Clarke.”

 

"Don't thank me yet." The blonde mutters hardly loud enough for Lexa to hear-she quickly understands she wasn't supposed to. Clarke's voice is soft, as if her words alone could crush Lexa's bones. "I'm going to reduce your shoulder now. Try to relax. I know it's hard. This will hurt less if you do. " Taking Lexa's dislocated arm at the elbow and wrist she places the commander's hand on top her left shoulder, still with a firm hold on her elbow. The healer's shoulder feels tense below her palm but all this physical contact is so comforting for the commander she hopes it is at least a little for Clarke as well. 

 

Clarke gently moves Lexa's elbow in a small circle checking the shoulder's looseness. Whispers tickle Lexa's ear. "Relax, Lexa. I've got you. Just relax. I know it hurts." _I'm trying._ She presses the back of her head into the pole. _God that hurts._ Clarke's right hand starts rubbing gently on the spazzing muscles. First the biceps then the triceps and slowly up to the head of Lexa's shoulder and by her neck. Though the pressure is gentle it still earns a groan that rumbles past a tightly clenched jaw. “Relax."

 

The commander growls at the continued pressure onto the head of her shoulder. "I am try-" Suddenly there's soft skin pressing to her lips as Lexa slowly realizes Clarke is kissing her. Lexa can't help but relax her back and let out a soft sigh into Clarke's lips before kissing her back. She has been wanting to kiss the Sky Princess for months now but didn't want to force it. Clarke had said she wasn't ready and after the Mountain Lexa wouldn't have blamed her if she never was.

 

The kiss is sweet and gentle, the pressure between their lips light and still tentative from the blonde. Lexa doesn't even care at least it's something. She can hardly feel the fingers kneading the twitching muscles of her shoulder anymore or the tightened grip at her elbow as a joy fills her chest. _Clarke kissed me! I'm kissing Cla-_

 

Her shoulder explodes with a quick twist of her arm and a very firm hand pressing the loose end of her shoulder backwards using the pole for leverage on her back. A loud hollow pop cuts through the quiet tent and sharp pain rockets down from the joint through her elbow making her fingers rested on the healer's shoulder tingle as she grips down as hard as she can. Lexa jerks backward from the pain, her initial yelp caught in Clarke's lips but the groan passes freely into the air. Instinctively she tries to clutch her arm back to her chest to find that the blonde is slowly returning it there herself. The intense pain subsides for a dull throbbing. The black returns swiftly to her vision accompanied by bright white dancing amongst the darkness threatens Lexa's promise to stay awake.

 

With one hand at Lexa's midsection holding her wrist steady and the other holding the upper part of her arm near her shoulder Clarke feels the hardly conscious Lexa trembling in a strained ball of muscle. Gently reaching around her back she pulls the warrior in dabbing the sweat from her forehead with the towel that was resting on her lap before slinging it over her shoulder and placing Lexa's head on it. She replaces her hand on Lexa's upper arm to support the joint. "Shhh.. You're ok. I'm so sorry. It's over." Lexa's chest is rising and falling rapidly as she pants, she can feel the girl's pulse racing below her clammy feverish skin. "You're ok.”

 

Clarke gives her a moment to fight the pain and let it subside. Whispering comforts into Lexa's ear. It seems to work as the commander relaxes slowly into her. She sits the girl up once her breathing slows. Clarke takes a long peace of cloth and drapes it around Lexa's good shoulder wrapping it around her front and back to form a sling that straps Lexa's arm to her to immobilize it.

 

Clarke stands and the missing body heat at Lexa's side prompts a search with her good arm across her body. "I'm right here, Lexa." Clarke's hands at her back and under her knees helping her slide down to lie on the cot. Lexa feels a blanket being draped over her, a warmth that is only followed by sleep spreads through her limbs. A damp rag dabs at her forehead for a moment only to be replaced by soft lips and fingers stroking the side of her cheek "I'm right here.”

 

"Sleep?" She asks half heartedly, already most of the way past consciousness.

 

She hears a small chuckle besides her and another kiss presses to her forehead. “Sleep."


	2. I'm Sorry.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke works to fix Lexa up as much as she can while she sleeps but she needs her awake for some of it, unfortunately. The degree of the concussion is troubling to Clarke, she wants to let the peaceful commander sleep but she really needs to make sure her head is ok. Clarke's POV

Clarke sits on the side of the cot next to an incredible peaceful commander. The usual tight nature of her jaw has gone slack - her face still expressionless but not out of necessity. Her sun bathed skin of her upper chest peeking from under the sling glows in the gentle fire light of the tent. It has only been moments since she had asked for sleep. Clarke knew she shouldn’t let her but she wanted Lexa to have a moment of relief. She tried to convince herself that it wasn’t because the gentle plea for sleep was too sweet to resist. 

 

Her arm still strapped down rises and falls slowly with her chest. The painful hitch in her breathing gone in her sleep. _Thank god._ Lexa was different from her other patients, her face hadn’t twisted in pain nor had she flinched away from the touch. Apart from the tense quivering and occasional groan it was hard to tell she was hurting as badly as she was. 

 

Lexa had been concerned about her weakness but as far as Clarke was concerned she had none. Sure she was physically weakened by her TBI but she couldn’t just power through that as much as Clarke knew she had tried. She felt so privileged to get to see Lexa like that, it was beautiful but also a little saddening. She wanted to take all of it away as the dripping forehead pressed into her shoulder and the shaky breaths passed below her stethoscope. 

 

Clarke dips a clean rag into a bowl of warm water sitting next to her on a chair. The cloth is soft in her hands firming as she twists the excess water from it before drawing it across her patients forehead. A clean streak of skin shows itself from behind the dirt and blood scattered on her face. She works as gently as she can as to not wake the sleeping girl before she has to in about on hour to check her head. 

 

Once her face an neck are clean of battle residue Clarke replaces the rag with another and returns to dabbing the wound hiding in the hairline of Lexa’s left temple where the rock collided with her skull. She sighs softly relived she won’t have to stitch up the commanders head. The lack of swelling externally is enough to draw concern though - the swelling is mostly inside the skull then. Part of her was surprised that something as hard as Lexa’s head could be injured. _Only for me._ She snorts to herself at the terrible joke while her fingers work almost absentmindedly. _Stupid._

 

Satisfied with her head wound Clarke removes the blanket from Lexa and drapes it on the back of the chair for the time being. She slowly takes in the commander’s body who looks rather small as she sleeps, stripped of her armor, weapons, and rigid posture. Size was never really a factor for Clarke. She had seen large men hardly take up any space, and she had seen this woman fill an entire room. Presence, she decided, was entirely different then size. Lexa occupied space. She didn’t merely exist. 

 

The arch of her lower ribs framed the ridges of her abdomen perfectly. Her scar littered core looked powerful even as she slept.There was little unmarked skin and Clarke’s heart sunk. _How many terrible things had happened to her?_ She could see where the skin was stretched tight around Lexa’s hip bones and her eyes followed the cut of muscle that trailed down disappearing below the waste band of her pants. Clarke swallowed hard at the sight. _Damn._

 

_Focus, Clarke. Come on._ Her fingers work at the tight nots of Lexa’s boots and slide them from her feet placing them at the foot of the bed. Moving regretfully to unbuckle the knife’s hilt and belt that usually hang low on the commanders hips her fingers tremble. Though that is not nearly as unnerving as she works to undo the button and pull down the zipper of the sleeping girl’s pants. _Please don’t wake up… Please don’t wake up._

 

After waiting as long as possible she pulls the knot loose on the cloth holding the makeshift bandage to the gash in Lexa’s thigh. The tie falls to the cot and blood has spotted through the thick material where the extra pressure was applied. Clarke doesn’t remember the last time she got queasy or nervous around blood but she does know it’s not a fun feeling. _She’s just another patient. Deep breath._

 

_Oh, who am I kidding. She could never be just another patient._

 

Her fingertips grip the damp underside of the bandage and remove it slowly as not to disturb the drying blood. She had lost a lot of blood, her pant leg was stiff with it. As she pulled the bandage off it partially stuck to the edges of the feverish skin but over the heart of the gash it reveled the gooey beginnings of a blood clot sitting in pooled blood. The dirty bandage plopped to the floor in exchange for a pair of scissors to cut the shredded material of the pants away from the angry gaping flesh. 

 

_Jesus, Lexa._ _A ‘mere’ flesh wound? Really?_ She shakes her head and sighs into the cozy air of the tent glancing up at the still fast asleep girl on the cot. “You are fucking ridiculous, you know that?” Clarke forces a smile to her face. She admires her strength she really does but sometimes it makes her heart physically ache inside the empty chasm of her chest. She hasn’t really gotten a good look at the wound yet and she can already tell it has cut some of the muscle deep enough to hinder it’s function significantly not just out of the pain. 

 

She slowly works Lexa’s pants off to expose the leg fully and allow her to clean wound and surrounding skin. Also waking up in clothes covered in dirt and dried blood sucks so she would save Lexa from that small misery. Her mouth had watered before at the sight of Lexa’s muscular abdomen but at the sight of her legs it goes uncomfortably dry. A pair of short tight shorts serve as underwear but the rest of her legs exposed are strong and defined. Clarke can’t take her eyes from the gash though, it’s gotta be at least four and a half inches… 

 

She cleans the blood from the wound then the surrounding skin. It is deeper then she expected. Past the flesh she can see the small lipid layer before the slice through the meat of her quad. _That must be the only fat on her, shit._ She takes her time in the sutures, remembering the endless hours of practice she spent in the Arc. Her mom taught her when she was 12, using old string in a old piece of leather first and slowly moving toward wet paper. Abby was hard on her but it had paid off, she was better at it then anyone in the medical staff, even her mother. 

 

She had always liked the way the forceps and needle holder felt in her hand as they pieced someone, or something, back together. Lexa wouldn’t care if it scared, sometimes she wondered if the commander would prefer it; a reminder, a punishment, maybe a trophy when she was younger? The grounders had pride in their scars but she would not be the reason another battle left it’s mark on the commander’s tan skin. She had more than enough already. Clarke places a large piece of medicated gauze on the wound and tapes it down at it’s edges. _There._

 

She replaces the blanket over Lexa’s legs and applies a salve to the dark bruise at her ribs before folding the blanked so it stops just below her bindings. She turns and mixes some medicine into the cup of water for Lexa, a light sedative and pain medication. Clarke takes a load off her aching feet and places her hips next to the commanders on the cot. _Time to wake her up. Damn it._

 

“Lexa.” Clarke pulls the bandage from her hand before placing it on the sleeping girl’s warm shoulder. “Lexa, wake up.” She is answered by fluttering eyelids and mumbled groans. Clarke can’t help but chuckle at the response, it’s childish and decidedly adorable. “I know, but you gotta wake up. Come on.” 

 

The brunets eyes part slightly before closing, even this much light will suck with the magnitude of her concussion. Slowly the forest green beauties come out of hiding. Lexa slides back to consciousness slower then her opening eyes. She can only imagine the waves of pain returning to the young warrior’s nerves. Searching to comfort herself as much as the slightly confused girl below her she brushes a stray piece of hair from her forehead. She can’t stop her fingers from grazing the ghost of a bruise on Lexa’s jaw. “Hey, there you are.” _Duh, idiot._

 

Lexa bends her arm and tires to prop up on her elbow. An attempt punished harshly by the stiffness in her joints and throbbing ribs. She winces visibly and bends over slightly before raising her back a few inches from the cot. “Lexa, lay still. You’re ok.” _I’ve got you._

 

Her cheeks scrunch as she pulls her eyes closed and the muscles in her neck stretch as she presses her head sideways back into the pillow in do doubt trying to push away the dizziness. “What happened?” She croaks past a dry throat as she allows her eyes to flutter back open. 

 

“You got..” _your ass kicked “_ banged up a bit, knocked your head pretty good.” Clarke wanted desperately to tease her but that was not the way to do it. Not with Lexa. Besides, hurting the commanders ego is not going to accomplish anything. It’s not as overinflated, or rightly-inflated, as everyone thinks; Lexa is by no means insecure though. 

 

“The coalition?” She realizes what’s going on and tries to sit up further; the fogginess behind her eyes clears, if only a little. She doesn’t wince this time but Clarke can see the pain flicker behind her mask. She always can. 

 

“Well considering it was a fight to the death and you’re still here making my life difficult.. Not to mention the hundred or so people walking around with my bloody handprint on their chest…” She can’t help but smile down at Lexa who's has shut her eyes again. “I’d say it’s ok.” 

 

“Mockery is not the product of a strong mind, Clarke.” she mumbles as she swallows. 

 

“So I’ve heard.” _She’s talking that’s good._ “How are you feeling?” A lame question, of course she feels like absolute hell…

 

“Hurts. All of it hurts.” A small sleepy smile twitches in the corner of her mouth. Clarke is amazed by the stoic girl’s use of humor to both hide and admit her misery. “Can I have some water?” 

 

“Yeah. Let’s sit you up for a minute.”She starts to move on her own with out much success other than exhausting herself. The girl’s breathing quickens hitching somewhere in the middle around the movement of her ribs. “Quit.” Clarke sneaks her hands under the commander’s back and helps her sit up very slowly, she’s a little heavier then Clarke thought she would be. A groan rumbles in Lexa’s chest that she never allows past her lips. _I’m sorry it hurts. I’m trying._ “Here.” 

 

She holds the cup to the other girl’s lips and supports her back with her other arm to prevent the straining of her core around her ribs. “I can do it myself, Clarke.” 

 

“Shut up and drink the damn water.” The brunet concedes again to her and she feels nothing but privilege. Clarke brushes a few drips of the water from Lexa’s chin with her thumb. 

 

Lexa stops, taking a break from her labored swallowing. She is leaning back against Clarke’s arm unable to hold herself up. Clarke can see the frustration with her body in the furrowed eyebrows and slight frown. She wonders when the last time was that Lexa’s body didn’t do exactly as she wanted it. Her strength of mind is impressive with the degree Clarke suspects her TBI is. “Tastes funny.” The brunette scrunches he nose, childish suits Lexa. 

 

“Just drink it.” Her mouth opens and she downs the rest of the cup. “Thank you.” No response. 

 

“I have business to attend to even with the coalition formed. We both do.” Lexa leans forward and pushes against Clarke’s hand that had made across the girl’s chest onto her good shoulder somewhat holding her still without having to think about it. 

 

“It’s only been an hour and you’re staying put.” Lexa pushes against her hand again.

 

“Let me up, Clarke.” She frowns and her usual determined expression replaces the one of fading consciousness.

 

“No.”

 

“No? I do not take orders from you.” Lexa’s words sting a little as she throws the comment back at Clarke in frustration. “Let me up. Now.” 

 

“No, Lexa. You’re hurt badly. There is nothing that needs to be done right now. Polis will survive without us for a little while. Kane and Indra are taking care of things.”Lexa’s still feverish body relaxes slightly with help from the sedative slipped into her drink. 

 

“There is a large difference between hurt and injured, Clarke. I am fine.” 

 

“Are you fucking joking?” Lexa tilts her head in confusion, _No, Clarke?_ Which only makes Clarke snort past her perturbed annoyance. “As much as you want to be you are **_not_** fine.” She opens her mouth to protest and leans further into Clarke’s hand. “Then you are injured, ok? I need to check your head _injury_ and your royally fucked up shoulder.” 

 

Lexa only nods in her rapidly fading consciousness, only partially from the drug. She is still heavily under affects from the TBI and will be for a while. “Then you can go back to sleep, ok?” It’s a stretch to get her to agree and Clarke knows it, but the girl succumbs to her body and maybe some of the blonde’s influence though Lexa would never admit it. 

 

Clarke checks unfocused green eyes that are usually so clear. One of Lexa’s pupils is dilated a bit and slow to respond to the light. Not good, but Clarke didn’t expect it to be. It’s her second one in three weeks or so. The first one wasn’t bad at all, hardly classifiable as a concussion, but it was enough and that made Clarke feel terrible. 

 

It was her fault. Even if Lexa was being a dick. Trying to make a point she purposely pushed sore buttons about Clarke leaving her people and how she needed to do what ever noble thing as a leader and bla…bla..bla.. and she really wasn’t in the mood. So Clarke turned around and punched her square in the jaw. She had expected retaliation but the girl’s forest eyes just watched her, almost in a smile, nodded and said that she deserved that. 

 

“What is it, Clarke?” _Shit._ _Shit. Shit._

 

_Lie._ “Nothing.” The questioning gaze through half open eyes is enough to cave her. “One of your pupils is dilated.” She pulls her supporting hand from the cloth of Lexa’s binding to quickly demonstrate with her hands. She shows her with different sized circles between her thumb and pointer finger then rushes to replace the support back behind the unsteady girl. “I’m sorry but you need to stay awake.” 

 

“For you, I will try.” She nods. “I’m feeling better.” And tires agin to get up only to be stopped again by Clarke’s hand. 

 

“Ok. I’ll make you a deal. I’ll let you walk to your bed- “ Lexa smiles and starts to nod as she moves to get up. It’s stopped quickly by her dizziness and stif body but she only slows down instead of stoping completely. “IF..You let me help you and you stay up and talking for two hours. Deal?” 

 

“Fine.” She huffs and swings her uninjured arm around Clarke’s shoulders as at the two stand together. Lexa’s legs buckle as she stands but Clarke won’t let her fall. _I’ve got you._ They shuffle slowly over to the bed, Clarke pretty much carrying the commander. She is breathing heavily and her muscles have started quaking in exhaustion two steps into the process. 

 

“Take your time. There’s no rush.”Finally making it to the bed Lexa sits first before slowly swinging her legs up. Clarke catches her going to lay down and holds her back up in a sitting position. “You have to stay up.” Fluffing the pillows behind her she leans the quickly fading girl against the headboard. _“I know you want to sleep. I’m sorry._ ” 

 

“It is ok. I made a promise, Clarke. I won’t break another one to you if I can help it.” _Ignore her. She is drugged and her head isn’t working._ Lexa would have never brought that up if she was in her right mind. “I’m just going to close my eyes.” 

 

“Only if you talk to me. You really need to stay awake.” She pulls the furs on the bed up over Lexa’s exposed legs she hasn’t even seemed to notice. “I’m going to check your shoulder. I need to undo the sling.” 

 

“Do as you must. I trust you.” Clarke's fingers work at the knot and unwrap the material from where it hugs Lexa’s arm to her body. She her supports arm and straightens her elbow so her wrist is resting onto of the furs. “What do you want me to talk about?” 

 

Removing the rest of the sling she lays it on Lexa’s legs and takes Lexa’s arm in her hands. Supporting her elbow she rotate’s the arm out from her waste at the wrist. “Tell me when this hurts. Don’t try to be tough. I need to know how much motion you have to make sure your shoulder set right, but um, what’s your favorite color?” 

 

“I don’t know.”

 

She moves her forearm away from the girls abdomen slowly. “You don’t know?” 

 

“No, there are so many. Green like the trees. Blue like the glowing butterflies, or darker like the sky. Orange like when the sun rises in the morning. Purple like the first blooms of spring. Red like the dying leaves in the fall. I cannot pick only one.” Lexa’s chest rises and falls slowly as she breathes through the discomfort expertly. “I cannot pick just one. Do you? Have a favorite color?”

 

The smoothness and conversation is disrupted by a quick breath when her arm is about 90 degrees from her side. Her muscles tense and she arches her back to take away from the pressure in her shoulder but doesn’t say a word. “Lexa.” She is stern with her patient.

 

“There is some discomfort.” She ‘admits’ as Clarke moves her arm a few degrees back to where she relaxes again. 

 

“Right.” Clark huffs sarcastically - Bull shit, _some discomfort_. But she is snapped quickly from her annoyance by the blush forming on the girl’s face she smiles gently. Lexa looks at her with eyes filled with worry - _How bad is it?“_ That was good. _This_ isn’t to push it, just see where you are at. This next part will be worse so I really need you to be honest with me as soon as it hurts, ok?” _I don't want to hurt you anymore then I have to._

 

“Ok.”Clarke takes Lexa’s arm in her one hand and places he other on the injured shoulder. She moves Lexa’s upper arm away from her body much slower then when she was manipulating the external rotation. Almost immediately sweat beads on Lexa’s forehead and her breath catches in her chest as she refuses to exhale. Her back arches again trying to lessen the angle of her arm from her body. “Clarke.” The crack in Lexa’s voice is hardly noticeable but enough to tell just how bad it hurts. Her fist balls in the furs next to her left hip and she grips down into Clarke’s forearm holding her elbow. 

 

“I know. Just a little more.” She feels the muscles in there girl’s shoulder start to quiver below her hand making sure none of them are pinched in the freshly reconnected joint. The joint line is off. The shoulder didn’t fully set. _Damn it. You're better than that._ They are only at about 10 degrees. “Breathe Lexa. Doing great. Just a bit further. I promise.” She puckers her lips and the shakiest breath yet presses out tickling Clarke’s ear. Clarke doesn’t have to look at her eyes to know they are filling with tears that will refuse to fall. _It’s ok to cry, Lexa._

 

“Clarke.” She gasps in sharply and grips harder at Clarks’s forearm with ice cold fingers and weak pulse. “P-please. Please stop.” She whispers through teeth clenched down on the inside of her lip, her chest is rising and falling rapidly again. "No mou. Beja, Klark. No mou. Em laksen."  _Almost there._ She forces herself to keep going knowing its not fully in yet despite the brunet's protests. Though she doesn't know the last part she can tell the girl is begging for it to stop. Lexa doesn't beg. _Keep going. You have too._ Lexa's ribcage expands sharply at the continued pressing of her arm. It is but a few more centimeters that take too long to pass from Lexa’s side when a small click fills the space between the girls. A small strangled yelp leaps from the commanders throat. 

 

Lexa’s back goes rigid at first, her fingers press into the Clarke’s flesh with desperation. She can almost feel a bruise forming. But the girl soon slumps in fatigue. Clarke slowly guides her arm back to her side, followed her forearm back to her stomach. Allowing her own hands to hold the injured girl arm when all she wants to do is hug the hurting girl close to her but the moment wouldn’t be worth it. 

 

She could hurt Lexa more. In more ways then one. The mixed signals aren’t fair. The kiss to get her to relax was the worst of it. Clarke wasn’t ready, she knew she wasn’t, and if she was being honest she really doesn’t know where she is at. But she was desperate to get Lexa to relax. Luckily it’s doubtful it will be remembered. _That doesn’t make it right. Ass-hole._

 

“We’re done. It’s ok.” She looks at Lexa who’s eyes are back closed as she strains the back of her head into the head board, a trail of a tear is damp on her cheek. Clarke reaches up and brushes it away just above the corner of her mouth. “It’s ok.” Lexa allows herself a moment as she presses out another quivering breath before opening her eyes. They shine with pain and shame. “Lex-“

 

“Please don’t, Clarke.” She only nods and replaces the sling to support the shoulder without a word. _It IS ok, Lexa. There is noting to be embarrassed about. This isn’t weakness, this is being human._ _You are allowed to be human, Lexa. You can afford pain with me._

 

It’s quite possibly the worst dislocation she had ever seen, no, it is the worst dislocation she has ever seen. Clearly Lexa doesn’t want to talk about it and Clarke wants to do what she can to distract her from the torture that is sure to be going on in her mind and body.

 

“Black.” Lexa looks at her quizzically - _What?_ “My favorite color is black. Like my soul.” She forces herself to keep a straight face but when Lexa’s shock wears off into something sad. It’s like she blames herself but still the girl opens her mouth to disagree. “I’m kidding, relax. Green. I like green.” _Like your eyes_. “Like the color of the leaves when the light shines through the trees onto them so they are lighter then the rest of the forest.” _Exactly like your eyes_. ”You can’t see much green from space, mostly blue, some brown, but not much green. I do like blue though. Light blue.” 

 

“That is a strange joke.” _Yeah, whatever._ “What else do you want to know?” Her eyes try to shut but she doesn’t let them, her voice growing raspy in exhaustion. She really is trying. 

 

“You can sleep.” 

 

“But you said..” Clarke helps her scoot lower in the bed. They are both careful of the broken ribs and gash on her thigh. She props Lexa up on a bunch of pillows so she is angled up a little and has support for her shoulder. _It won’t take long before she is out._

 

“I know but it won’t make that much of a difference.” _You’re struggling and hurting. I just want that to go away._ “Sleep, Lexa.” 

 

Her eyes start to drift shut again. Satisfied Clarke stands up and moves to walk away from the bed to pull up a chair before a soft hand catches her wrist as it pulls the blanket up to the girls ribs. _Someone has to monitor her._ “Clarke?” She just reaches with her free hand and pulls the chair under her as she sits down. 

 

“Yeah?” Her heart skips a beat and her stomach flips at the near pleading in Lexa’s voice. Her face relaxes as she realizes Clarke is staying. _She wants me here._ A smile creeps its way onto the blonde’s face. 

 

“You don’t have to stay.” She is happy Clarke has decided to stay but doesn’t want to be needy. Because this is Lexa we’re talking about here. _Miss I’ll do it on my own._ Clarke shrugs as she realizes she is no better herself. 

 

“I do. Someone has to monitor you.” _To make sure your stubborn ass doesn’t get out of bed, die, or do anything stupid._

 

“Oh.” Lexa’s disappointment is palpable in the tent. _Damn, could she be more precious._

 

_“But.._ I want too.” _Shit._

 

“Really?” The hope drips from her cracking voice. 

 

“Yes, really. I enjoy your company.” _Whyyyyyy? Why do you do this to yourself?_

 

“I’m not much company asleep.” She mutters as she slips deeper into lethargy. It won’t be much longer before she is out cold.

 

“I’d say it’s better. Then I don't have to deal with your stubborn ass.” _Good save. Well played, Griffen. Still got it._ Clarke smiles as she brushes her hand over the top of Lexa’s head with the other girl still holding her right hand captive. _“_ Sleep, Lexa.” Apparently that’s all she needed to hear because her breathing steadies into a slow rhythm and her face has returned to it’s relaxed beauty. Clarke can’t help but whisper a kiss to the girl’s forehead, “You can finish making my life difficult when you wake up.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TBI - Traumatic Brain Injury
> 
> No mou. Beja, Clarke. No mou. Em laksen. - No more. Please, Clarke. No more. It hurts. 
> 
> So... I have this headcannon that Clarke is a chronic potty mouth..


	3. Sleepy Head(a)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Wake up, Lexa. Please, wake up. Don't you dare die on me, Commander. You hear me? You aren't allowed to die." 
> 
> Lexa's POV

"Where is she, Wanheda?" Indra's angry voice and the lack of warmth from Clarke's hand on her arm are the only thing Lexa notices as sheslips back to consciousness. Without delay pain returns to ripping through her body. 

 

Her head is spinning - _don't throw up, don't throw up._ It is pounding again to the beat of her heart. _That's what I get for always saying the two are separate._

 

Her breathing, as slow and as shallow as it is, is like a knife being jabbed through her side every time the oxygen reaches her lungs. There feels as if a weight has been pressed on her shoulder, more then usual and she doesn't know if she can carry this one. Her entire arm is stiff and immovable even though that's the last thing she wants to do to it. Her hand feels cold and tingly, the sensations dull as if her hand is still asleep. Deep in her shoulder is burning and stabbing all at once, it is overwhelming. It doesn't help that the sensation shoots down her arm and churns angrily in her elbow as well.

 

Lexa clenches her jaw and tries to focus on something, anything, other then the agony. Her body is shivering uncontrollably though she is so warm under her furs she is sweating. It's not quite like shivering, her muscles are contracted and shaking but only slightly, shivering is much more violent then this.

 

"Sleeping. She has a severe head injury and needs rest." The two women stand near the entrance of the tent stiffly. Clarke's hands rest on her hips as she stands defiantly between Lexa and her general making herself larger. _She doesn't need to. She carries weight_ \- not the physical kind. Clarke's spirt is encompassing and equally intoxicating as much as Lexa had wished it wasn't initially. She has come to accept it now, her _caring_ for Clarke, despite how weak it makes her feel.

 

Her eyes still feel heavy though she doesn't want to sleep, not really. You _need to get up and back to your people._ Though the sleep has not been restful, she has slept enough.

Indra steps past her "She has been resting for 2 days. You sky people are _weak._ Heda, has suffered worse then this and gone to battle with less recovery." Lexa watches through hardly parted eyelids she has to will to stay open. _I've been out for two days?! Clarke!_ As H _eda I must be alert at all times_.

 

"This ISN"T battle, Indra. No one needs her right now. Let her rest. You and Cain can manage without us for a little while." _Us._ She sidesteps in front of the advancing general placing herself protectively between them again. Lexa gives in and allows her eyes to close, her eye lids feel like they weigh a thousand pounds. _I will stay awake. My eyes can close and my ears will still work. I will stay awake._ She wants to know what is going on as much as she wants to fade back to the comfort of unconsciousness but she is more curious to see how this will go for Clarke. These two's interactions are always slightly entertaining, Indra enjoys challenging Clarke to see what she's made of. Clarke is angry, though her eyes are closed Lexa can picture the blonde's back stiffen, shoulder blades pinch, and her eyes turn to ice. "Do you want to know how bad she is? I'll tell you.”

 

Lexa's heart jumps to her throat. _No, Clarke. Do not reveal my weakness to my general. I cannot afford that. I can't even afford to show you. My body and mind betrayed me._ "She has anisocoria." The use of medical terminology is smart. Clarke as learned how to get a point across. Even to Indra. Lexa's stomach drops, despite knowing that Clarke used the formal term for leverage, it sounds legitimately serious. She needs to be back to her people soon, with no signs of suffering.

 

"Her eyes," Clarke holds her hands back up in the example Lexa hardly remembers receiving, but her words are much harsher and pointed sharply at the older warrior as if daring Indra to challenge her. "are dilated unevenly. One of her pupils is blown. That means swelling is putting a lot of pressure on her brain and she probably has a small aneurysm, a brain bleed. It will be ok but she needs to rest. If she doesn't it could kill her or cause a stroke - take away some of her physical abilities, like speech or the use of one side of her body.”

 

Indra has stopped pressing forward. Lexa feels like her heart has stopped beating and is racing out of her chest all at once. There is an uncomfortable lump in her throat she can't even begin to swallow. Her stomach seems to have dropped straight through her spine to the floor. "She will be ok, Indra. She just needs rest. I've sent word to my mother and she agrees. While she is resting it will give her arm time to heal as well." Clarke's voice is calmer now, almost a whisper.

Glancing in the perceived unconscious girl's direction Indra scowls at the tube winding down from a bag of clear fluid into the back of the commanders hand. "You drugged her.”

 

Clarke nods simply. "I did." Her voice is still soft but unbending, unafraid. _You did what!? I must be sober minded for my people, Clarke! No matter the cost._ "But the IV only has fluids and a light pain medication. No sedative. It will help her heal, Indra. A sedative would only help her rest, keep her safe." Lexa becomes vaguely aware of the tight feeling on the back of her hand, if her limbs didn't feel so heavy or if she trusted herself to move with out allowing her pain to vocalize she would pull it off immediately.

 

"Fine. But if _anything_ happens to her." Indra points past Clarke's shoulder before pressing her finger firmly into Clarke's chest pushing her backward slightly. Clarke leans into the touch unaffected by the threat. "You will wish you had died in the mountain." _She already does, Indra, because she did, die there. How do you not see that?_

 

"If anything happens to her, for my people's sake, I might as well have." Everyone knows that the clans are weary of the Skikru but after they fell the mountain and have proved themselves since then they are slowly being accepted. Though there is no telling what could happen without Lexa's support, it could mean war. The Skikru is accepted - for now. It will take learning and adapting on both sides and without Lexa there to oversee that and keep her people at bay…

"For your sake?" _Where is this question coming from, Indra? It is none of your business._ Her general is perceptive. Clarke was still somewhat cold toward the commander and that was to be expected but it seemed forced. She was fighting a battle within and Lexa was only causing her more distress and that made the empty space in her chest ache for the young leader. But Lexa would take whatever punishment Clarke deemed fit. She would support her - do anything she could to bring Clarke back.

 

"I would deserve it and much worse." Clarke's voice remains clear and void of emotion but the words empty Lexa's chest instantly. How longs to be filled again. _No, Clarke, you wouldn't. You would never - could never - deserve what you have gone through - which was mostly by my hand._

 

Indra's voice raises in question, becoming lighter. A quality Lexa hadn't heard in a very long time. Her response comes more as a question than a statement of conformation. Indra is not hiding her surprise well. "You would.”

 

"I would." Clarke agrees again - she can almost hear the blonde add 'I already do' though the words are never spoken. "Give her a few days. Then she can address the people, show face. _But_ it will take at least a week from then for her to be up to anything more than that. Including council meetings." Indra wants to argue she can feel it rising in the air but it is quelled quickly. "I know you don't trust me, but I do know you respect me - at least a little bit. You don't have to trust me. I don't really care either way, but _your_ Heda trusts me and that is enough.”

 

Lexa wishes she had the energy to open her eyes. She longs to see Clarke in what she is sure of as a beautiful moment. She speaks with such authority, such fervor. Lexa can see the deepness of the ocean in her eyes, the way it was before he mountain. She wants to drowned in them so badly but they have gone dry. She longs to see the light shining from within like the sun reaching through the cool waters of a lake to the swimming children below its surface. Her gaze is intense, demanding, but in a way different from Lexa's own. _Better, different. At least it used to be._ Now it has gone cold, void of anything, an empty crater where where the sea should be. Sometimes her old self shows in flashes but that is next to never. Clarke needs to feel again. "She _needs_ this Indra. Just a few more days.”

 

Clarke had hit her a few weeks ago. Hard too - if Lexa was being honest. She was baiting the girl. "Clarke, how could you leave your people?" Though Lexa got it. She did it too. "Clarke, you killed for them then just left? You are no leader." _Not true. You are the best kind of leader. You didn't want it._ "You are weak. You killed the mountain, but it killed you first. Your fath-" It was then the fist had connected with her jaw. Clarke's eyes were burning. She was _angry_ and full of hatred, of rage _._ She could tell the girl was waiting for a retaliation, wanted one even, but it did not come. She only allowed a small smile, _Clarke had felt something._ "I deserved that." She shrugged and walked back into the council meeting.

 

Later the cold eyes had returned as the two leaders sat at the war table. The only two left from the day's meetings. Clarke had asked why she had baited her on purpose. Lexa had simply responded "to make you feel _something_." and left the girl alone to her thoughts.

 

"A few days, Sky Girl." A small stream of light warms Lexa's face for a moment and disappears just as quickly as her general walks from the tent. _Stay awake -_ she wills herself wanting to feel Clarke's touch before she slides back to the darkness. This is a darkness she doesn't mind, not really. It is empty of a lot of things she has been trying to escape for years.

 

The chair slides against the floor of the cozy tent and a soft but callused hand gently squeezes her upper arm. "Heal quickly, Commander." Her voice is tender in a whisper. Lexa has never heard her title uttered as gently, she doesn't know if she ever wants to. It feels painful, Clarke is worried, pleading almost but not at the same time. Even in her half awareness she can read Clarke's unspoken words - _Wake up, Lexa. I miss you. But take as much time as you need - feel better._ A warmth spreads through the comatose girl that she has not felt in a long time, and never at this intensity. _I will, Clarke._

 

A small sigh leaves those soft pink lips. "I'm starting to miss your insufferable ass." Though the blonde adds the last part she knows she is making lite of a situation to make herself feel better, or perhaps still fighting internally with how she actually feels about the stoic women. Lexa can't tell if the humor working or not but she hopes it is. _Clarke misses me._

 

She yields to her burdensome body. _Now, the darkness can come_ \- it doesn't. Lexa is caught between states of conciseness. She is buzzing but the pain is dull, like a memory. Her ears intently tune to the forcibly slow breaths passing from Clarke as they tickle her still feverish skin. The sleep comes only as she hears Clarke mutter "God, I hope I'm right.”

 

The consciousness comes in waves. She can never really wake up but she can hear what's going on. She can feel Clarke's presence in the room. Indra yells at her a few more times. _How long has it been?_

 

"Wake up, Lexa." Clarke's voice is pleading. _I am trying, Clarke._ "Please, wake up." _Soon, Clarke._ "Don't you dare die on me, Commander. You hear me? You aren't allowed to die." The back of her hand is pressed to warm quivering lips. Her hand is being squeezed between bony fingers. "I'm still mad at you. I want to be at least." _I know, Clarke._

 

"But I can't. I understood, you know. Right when it happened. Right when I saw you walk up to me on the mountain. I don't even know why I asked. I knew you chose your people and I was so angry.. I wished it could have been my people that got saved - I envied you. I would have left you too, to die with your people… If it meant mine were safe." _I know that too, Clarke. It's ok._

 

"I was so angry that you left me to do _that_ alone…" _I did._ "Some part of me always knew we - I - would have to kill all those people. You did too, but you left me to do it by myself. I get it I do but you still left me. I still killed them. We were supposed to do that together. Bear it together, because I couldn't do it on my own. I _can't_ do it on my own." Lexa tries to squeeze the girl's hand back to offer some kind of comfort but her body doesn't obey.. again.

 

"But… at the same time I was glad. I was glad that you didn't have to share that because it is my burden and some part of me couldn't imagine making yours any worse. They were children, Lexa. They didn't know any better." Her hand still against Clarke's mouth dampens with tears falling from those beautiful eyes. "I resented you for being free of it but I was glad too, and I hated myself for that.”

 

"You drive me crazy in every way, Lexa. I'm sorry I kissed you, before." What?  _When?_ "I really needed you to relax and you couldn't… Forgive me?" The blond whispers into the back of the cool hand of the girl sleeping below the furs. _You never needed forgiveness, Clarke, not from me. To you, mine is freely given._ "I still wasn't ready, I'm still not ready, but I think I could be. For you. So wake up. You have to wake up.”

 

Lexa's heart aches in her chest at the pain in the all too honest words. How many tearful confessions had been whispered to her skin? How many times had Clarke been on the verge of breaking on her behalf and she not been there to hold her? Because even in the slow tears littering her skin she _knew_ that some how Clarke was holding it together. She hadn't shattered, not yet, instead she went on torturing herself. Too many people needed her. Sure she left for a couple of weeks but she went back. Though Lexa never just got to take off she always took "hunting trips" that usually lasted a week or so after the post war formalities were taken care of.

 

Clarke had been forced to do something much more soul staining then she has, even if it was the right decision to make. It didn't help Clarke was so kind hearted. So unaccustomed to the consequences of war. No, Lexa wished with every fiber of her being that this would have been different. Could have been different. That she could have spared Clarke this pain, this darkness. _Clarke was - is - good._ _And I have lead her into terrible choices. I am responsible._ And to that thought Lexa's mind fades again. Back to oblivion.

 

Next time she wakes dim fire light leeks in past her slowly opening eyelids. Her headache quickly returns but her head is not chasing her heart beat, nor is it skinning rapidly. She allows her eves to close before working them to open further. The back of her throat is dry, her tung presses to the roof of her mouth for some relief but it only feels like sand paper on the ridges behind her teeth. A dry breath moves past her lips audibly, only to be caught by still angry ribs.

Deep in her nose tickles from more seemingly constant dry air. Something foreign rests on her upper lip and she moves her hand to pull it away, her muscles protesting every inch. Trembling fingers pull at a tube pressed against her nose and her arm collapses exhaustedly on her chest once the nuisance is removed. _What is happening? Why am I so week?_

 

The dark interior of her tent comes slowly into focus. War table how she left it, armor and weapons sitting in her throne. She moves her head as slowly as she can afford to glance to the sleeping girl beside her. _She is beautiful._ Blonde curls frame her face and cascade down her shoulder where her own head seems to be trying to rest uncomfortably. Clarke's mouth is slightly open with a dampness in its corner. Lexa melts a little. _She drools in her sleep._ Her eyes, though, closed are encompassed by relaxed eyebrows and dark circles. _How little had she been sleeping?_ The girl is slouched uncomfortably in a wooden chair meant only for brief meetings, or dining.

 

Lexa hopes she hasn't been sleeping there long. She doesn't want to wake her either, she looks at peace - _for once_. Her shoulders are as relaxed as they can be in that position and her hard lines have gone soft in her slumber. Clarke comes slowly awake at the noise of a suppressed cough from her patient. Her eyes open lethargically and she cranes her neck rolling her shoulders for a moment before realizing what the noise means. She wipes her drool on the back of her sleeve as her eyes widen in a jolt before she relaxes herself again, taking on the calm demeanor Lexa had come to know, had helped to develop.

 

The ocean stares back at Lexa, a gentle smile twitches up at the corners of the girls mouth. "Hey there sleepy head." She speaks softly as if only her breath is enough to shatter all of the newly conscious girl's bones. She reaches out and tucks the brown hair behind her ear. The gentle strokes send chills down Lexa's spine. "Lexa kom Treekru has finally blessed us with her presence." The tiny smile reaches the corners of Clarke's eyes, and she can see some of the weight lifted from the blonde's shoulders - some but not enough.

 

Her hands slowly move to grab the tubing that has been pulled down around Lexa's neck. She tucks the tubing behind her ears and places the openings back in her nose. Lexa's hand reaches slowly up to pull it from her still painfully dry throat. It stings in her nose, almost like she had inhaled water through it. Clarke's gentle hand meets hers though and brings it back to rest at her side. She doesn't let go. "Lexa, this is oxygen. It will help you heal." She nods forward slightly. _Ok, Clarke._ "It sucks, I know, but tomorrow you can ditch it ok?" _What has happened to you that you have experienced this?_ Her heart stiffens in her chest, what suffering had Clarke gone through to know this feeling.

 

The feeble women opens her mouth to speak but only a raspy breath passes her cracked lips. "Here." Clarke places a straw in her mouth. "Slow sips." Water comes as instant relief to he mouth, lessening to over all ache of her body. She can only take a few sips before she feels a little overwhelmed. "Good." Another little smile and another hand brushing gently through her hair make her eyes flutter shut for a moment.

 

Lexa swallows and a quiet raspy whisper in a voice that belongs to a ghost. "H-How long?" The simple words pass through the air. How much energy does it take to speak? _A lot._ Is the answer she comes up with. _Too much._

 

"Eight days." _Eight Days?!_ She tenses and tries to sit up but her body won't listen. "Everything is fine. I have been taking care of things with Indra's help. The coalition is good. The leaders returned home. Our people are getting along well. Sharing with each other. Everything is just fine, Lexa. You have time to heal.”

 

_You should too. I know you are not as you pretend to be. I remember how your tears fell on my hand, how they dropped onto my face as your lips pressed to my forehead. I remember your pain._ She squeaks out "Thank you." unable to say what she so longs too. Clarke doesn't know her words were heard, and it wasn't her place to break a confidence she was never meant to have. _One day,_ she hopes.

 

"Any time, Commander." Her clammy hand rests on Lexa's arm. It's only then that she notices the scratchy feel of a gown on her skin. It seems to be made of paper. _How did I get into this?_ She notices the foreign feel of her breasts free from her bindings under the cloth. She feels vulnerable and exposed at this new finding, though it is muffled significantly by her exhaustion - a whisper in the back of her mind.

 

Suddenly she feels trapped and restricted by her sling hugging her arm tight to her body and the heavy furs over her legs. She try to move it but pain rockets through her shoulder, and her thigh as she attempts to weakly kick free from the furs. Clarke's hands migrate to rest on her bad shoulder and elbow across her body stilling the panic stricken girl. Her gentle touch has yet to not amaze Lexa. "It's ok. We'll get this off.”

 

She relaxes back into the pillows behind her back as Clarke's fingers work at the knot and slowly unravel the sling. Though she doesn't even try to move her arm she feels a weight lifted from her chest, like she can finally breathe. The blankets no longer feel so heavy. A small sigh passes her lips.

 

_"_ I can get you a bath, if you wan't. It will make you feel better.”

 

"That sounds nice." She admits completely forgetting that there is no way she can do it on her own or that she will have be naked.. in front of Clarke. Her caregiver disappears and returns repeatedly to fill up the tub sitting close to the fire in the middle of the tent. She makes a smaller one to heat the water.

 

"Alright." Clarke removes the furs from Lexa's legs and the fresh air pricks her skin into goosebumps. She rather regrets her wanting to get out of bed for a bath at this moment. The furs are so cozy. She can't help but groan in a little tiny indignant protest. Clarke chuckles as her hand slides between Lexa's back and the pillows. "Nice and easy.”

 

She leans the girl up who hunches forward. Her hand dropping to her lap from the few days onset of atrophy. Her head is spinning slightly and the movement pulls tight across the stitches in her thigh. Her head bows forward to rest a moment. She makes herself spin her legs over the side of the bed before she decides to just lay back down. Clarke's hands guid her body's movements slowly, to ease Lexa's exertion. "Good. We are going to take our time, Lexa. No rush.”

 

She only bows her head deeper in a nod and grumbles in exhausted agreement. _How is my energy this fleeting? I've been sleeping for a week._ Clarke's hands rest on her bony hips and scoot her forward on the bed and slides her shoulder under Lexa's slumped head. The skin on the back of Lexa's neck pricks up at the warm hand resting just below her hair line. "Let's just -stay here here a moment." The exhausted girl whispers into Clarke's shirt. Her head has returned to spinning and pounding and she just needs a break. _Just a moment. Just till the spinning stops._

 

She had never been one to keep her head down but as long as Clarke was holding it up she didn't mind it one bit. Her head rises and falls slowly with Clarke's breathing, she can hear the steady beat of the blonde's heart. "We can stay here as long as you like." _Not as long as you need, as long as you want to be here._ Clarke's old demeanor returns when she is taking care of Lexa. She is no longer hard or cold or empty, though her eyes still seem more vacant then they should, but maybe this is helping her heal too. Lexa can only hope. She had been the one to break her - it wasn't her choice if she got to help put the pieces back together.

 

She needed to lift her head, to keep moving toward the bath, but her skin seemed anchored to Clarke's shoulder. No matter how she tried to tell herself that she didn't need this - to be held - she couldn't make herself move from the blonde's arms. Her mind was weak from the injury but that gave no excuse for her heart.

 

The palm of the hand at the back of her neck leaves for a moment before it is replaced by the gentle stroke of Clarke's fingertips. She feels her whole body tingling, her head vibrating with the soft hum echoing in her ears as Clarke soothes her. Her skin at her hip goes taught as the blonde's other hand takes rest at the bend of her waste further pushing the strange material of the gown into her hip. She will have to ask about that. _Later._ “Klark.” Her accent drawing think and heavy through the whisper passing softly through the warm air between them in her exhaustion. She still doesn't have it in her to lift her head from the girl's shoulder.

 

_My head has stopped. We can move now._ Lexa fights herself, she wants nothing more then to use this woman as a pillow for the rest of her days. Clarke can hold her head when she grows weary, she can hold her head when she simply cannot anymore.

 

"Shhh.. Lexa." The woman's hand slides to the side of her face framing Lexa's jaw with her palm. The commander can't help but tilt her head into the touch as her thumb grazes a cheek where warpaint should be and her smooth fingertips send chills where they skim from behind her ear down the side of her neck and back. A small sigh tickles Clarke's collarbone through her thin shirt. "We're good right here." When she's really saying - _Don't rush yourself._

 

They never make it to the tub. _Maybe tomorrow._


	4. Bath Time and Back Rubs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa POV 
> 
> She's feeling better, enough to get out of bed some, though not as much as she likes. Clarke lets her start to rehab her shoulder and that ends in a back massage, though Clarke and Lexa have two pretty different massages in mind. They talk. It's fluffy. It's angsty. It's sweet. Maybe, possibly, a little sad/heavy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay you guys. Just had a ton of stuff going on and couldn't quite make myself write this instead of studying for exams or sleeping. Hope ya'll understand. Next two chapters should be up soon though so yay! 
> 
> Thank you all so much for the reviews. They absolutely make my day. I really can't express how much. You guys are too kind.

Lexa wakes up again to a sleeping Clarke but this time she is leaned forward and her head is resting on her crossed arms atop Lexa’s furs. One hand is placed on Lexa’s arm, it’s warm on her skin an a little clammy in her sleep. The top of her head hardly lays on Lexa’s arm near the hand. The gentle expanse of her lungs raises her back slowly. 

The deep ache in her shoulder is made worse from its position at her side but if it is comforting Clarke she can handle it. Her blonde curls tickle Lexa’s forearm and lay scattered on the bed hiding Clarke’s beautiful face. Lexa longs to see the sleep of peace washed over her war hardened and empty features. She is too afraid to move her arm incase it wakes her up but also because she _knows_ how badly it will hurt. 

Her other arm reaches across her body and brushes the golden rings from the sleeping girl’s face. The hair tickles her fingertips and she is caught up in the intimacy of the moment. She runs her hand through Clarke’s tangled hair. She is eager to offer any bit of comfort she can. She has caused Clarke enough pain for all her life times. 

The blond’s eyes peek out from beneath long dark eyelashes and a small smile plays on her lips as she turns her head to look up at Lexa. And she can’t help but get lost in those not yet empty blues as she continues to run her hands through the soft curls that seem to be glowing in the morning sun. A small sleepy smile creeps to her own lips her head is starting to throb but that doesn’t really matter at the moment. 

“Good morning, Clarke.” Lexa’s voice fades in and out and squeaks in her weakened state. 

“Mmmm,” Clarke hums sleepily as her eyes flutter back behind those long eyelashes. “Morning.”Her voice raspy with fading sleep as she lets Lexa sooth her head for a moment longer before slowly sitting up. She rolls her shoulders back and cranes her neck to the side releasing a string of pops. 

“You should sleep in a proper bed. I am fine.” Her hand falls across her chest from where it was running through Clarke’s hair. Clarke's hand remains on her bad arm her thumb rubbing gentle circles on her skin. 

“Someone needs to watch you.” She yawns and rubs her eyes with the heel of her palm. Her lower eyelids fold once and have darkened more then usual. Before her arm lowers she wipes a string of drool from the corner of her mouth. 

“You watch your eyelids, Clarke. You need rest as well.” 

“I’m fine.” Lexa just watches her as she sighs. _Do not lie, Clarke._ Something stirs in the blond as she wakes and her eyes start to empty “I wouldn’t sleep well either way.” _Oh, Clarke._ “How bout we get you up for that bath, huh? I had the guards make one up.” Clarke places the back of her hand to Lexa’s forehead. “Then I can work with your shoulder, check your stitches, and then we’ll see how you’re feeling.”

Clarke’s hand runs over the the now loose brown locks that sit atop her head. Slowly making Lexa all too aware of how weak she actually feels, how injured she really is. She can feel it in her bones how much this will hurt to only move. Breathing isn’t with out pain either, neither is thinking really. “Okay.” 

The blond stands and leans over her, nimble fingers reach behind her ears and remove the tubing that still stings the back of her nose with it’s dry air. Lexa shivers at the touch to her ears and her blue eyed healer pretends not to notice. Clarke walks around to the other side of the bed where she removes the furs from Lexa’s lower half. 

“Klark.” _I will not be able to get up._ Lexa doesn’t need to say another word, Clarke already knew. Clarke gently helps her injured arm to lay across her stomach before sliding Lexa’s other arm around her neck as she wraps her own surprisingly strong arm around a paper covered quivering back. Clarke is careful not to press the broken ribs to firmly into her chest as she slides her other arm beneath Lexa’s knees and lifts her from the bed. 

The commander is surprised at the ease the younger girl lifts her and the lack of protest from even her most tender injuries at the slight movement. Lexa tucks her head into Clarke between her shoulder and neck and sighs allowing herself to be pressed closer to the women.“I’ve got you.” Clarke turns her head and presses her lips to Lexa’s still warm forehead. 

They walk the few steps to a chair by the fire and tub slowly; Clarke doesn’t want to move Lexa anymore then she has to. She is lowered onto her feet and Clarke holds her upright. Her feet may be on the ground but Lexa is hardly putting any weight on them she is leaning forward into Clarke as she’s held steady by hands on her back, the blond allows for more weight to support itself on Lexa’s own feet gradually as the brunette gets used to the sensation again. 

One of her arms wraps around Lexa’s lower back and she reaches up to the tie at the back of her neck and undoes it flowed by the one a little lower. A chill runs up Lexa’s now exposed back as Clarke leans her backward away from her for a moment shifting their position so she can get the weekend girl closer to the bath. She sits Lexa on the edge of the tub and removes the gown. 

A whisper of embarrassment and vulnerability bounces around somewhere in the back of her head but Lexa is entirely too tired to really notice or care. The only things on her mind are getting into the warm water and relaxing so her head can stop spinning. She does notice that Clarke isn’t looking at her exposed body, she keeps her eyes on the girls face as she helps to get her into the warm water. 

The warmth around her body feels so nice and she can’t help but let her eyes close and let her thoughts get lost in the dense fog that has enveloped her consciousness. “Oh, no you don’t.” Clarke chuckles down at her and Lexa hears chair scrape the floor as it’s pulled to the side of the tub. “You fall asleep and I’ll never be able get you out of the tub.” Lexa does not thing that is such a bad thing. The warmth feels nice as it holds her soothing her muscles, taking away some of the weight of the gravity the air provides. She always liked the water, there wasn’t enough of it in the woods. 

“Mmm” She agrees as she hears the dripping of water from what she assumes is a washcloth into the tub. “I am not falling asleep, Clarke. Merely closing my eyes.” She leans forward in the water and hunches her back so her core doesn’t have to work to hold her upright. Her head dips forward again and a gentle wipe of a rag runs over the backs of her shoulders. 

“Right.” The blond can’t help but smile at the woman relaxing below her long gentle strokes down her back wiping away dried sweat. The warmth of the water is replaced by a cool sensation briefly before more water takes its place. The cycle continues much to Lexa’s approval as she allows herself to fee the hands working to clean her back. “Talk to me so you don’t.” 

“Mmmm Hmmm.” Her mind is fuzzy and spinning and this feels so good amongst all the discomfort she still finds herself to be in. The aches of her body are eased in the water she is sure is full of healing and relaxing salts. It smells nice at least and the smell grows as suds are rinsed from her back and sit atop the water as she looks down at her legs just below the surface. 

“Lexa.” The noise of trickling water stops and so does the warmth at her back as Clarke stops running the rag over the tops of her shoulders. Her voice in a gentle warning.

“Sha, Klark. I am awake.” She straightens her head and turns to look at the girl only a little sad that she has to stay awake. “What do you wish to know?” 

Done with her back Clarke has her lean against the back of the tub as she runs the cloth over the top of her chest and neck. “I don’t know. Just talk to me. About anything. Your favorite food, your favorite thing to do. What you think is interesting.” _You are very interesting_. “Your family. Anything you want.” 

“I do not have a family. I was taken from them when I was very young to begin training as Heda.” The cloth runs down between her breasts and it feels so nice she relaxes further into the back of the tub as the cloth scrubs at her chest and sternum avoiding her breasts except to pass beneath them. “I saw them occasionally as I was training but when I got older, closer to becoming Heda officially, they were taken from me. I was not yet old enough to be able to protect them. They protected me as we visited and were killed for it.” 

Clarke is silent as she listened not wanting to scare the story from the girl as she wiped the rag over the rest of her torso, her arms, her muscular legs. “I remember that I had a brother, and that my parents were proud of me but I cannot remember much else. I was still very young. I am told they were respected, the most honorable hunters, my father was a warrior too. My brother was Anya’s age. Seven years older. He was Gustus’s second. He was skilled, Anya said that she was better though - I do not know if I believe her. They were close. I could see it in her eyes when she looked at me or when she spoke of him.” 

Lexa grins tiredly as she thinks about her mentor and her brother. Clarke feels a little like she is intruding in the memory. “How old were you?” Lexa is thankful for her not apologizing for something that wasn’t her fault, something that could not be changed. Clarke leaned her back into the water now and gentle fingers stroked through her hair and tickled her scalp. 

“My family was killed when I was six years old. I had been training for Heda for four years.” There isn’t sorrow in her voice, only fact, acceptance maybe. She doesn’t morn the childhood she never got to have and Clarke can’t decide if that is more tragic then if she did. _It is ok, Clarke. It is how it had to be._ “I accepted full leadership of my people when I was fourteen, before then I relied on my advisors learning all I could. Titus decided I was ready then.” 

Lexa sighs as Clarke continues to run her hands through her hair. Rinsing the soap from her long brown locks. Lexa wishes she could stay here forever too. Anywhere with Clarke really. No one has taken care of her like this. Not Anya. Defiantly not Indra or Gustus. She didn’t remember if her parents or brother had or not. She was vulnerable and she knew it and the worst - best maybe - part was that there wasn’t a damn thing she could do about it. 

“Are you ready to get out? I want to start rehabbing your shoulder, we won’t do much today. I also need to check the wound on your thigh.” Lexa looks down at her pruned hands and her soaked shin. The water is a little cooler then when she first got in but she could stay there for a long time just talking with Clarke. Her body doesn’t ache right now, not much at least. Her shoulder has only been a nuisance throbbing in the back of her mind. She can breathe easier. Her head isn’t spinning as much.

Each part of her body clean had given Lexa a little more energy and relief. “I am ready. Thank you, Clarke.” The blond only nods to her and reaches over to grab a towel. Lexa allows for help in standing and Clarke immediately wraps her in a warm towel so it drapes over he shoulders and down to her mid thigh. Lexa hugs it around her with her good arm as she sits back in the chair where Clarke had sat. 

The healer stands behind her, rubbing her neck and temples. Her hands slide beneath the towel and her fingers work rubbing some cream on the tense spazzing shoulder muscles that’s supposed to help with the pain. “I can braid your hair.” There is a pause and Lexa can read the silence in the air as Clarke struggles to decide if she overstepped. “If you want. I’m not very good at it but -“ 

“I would very much enjoy if you were to braid my hair, Clarke.” She leans back into the stiff back of the chair and surrenders to the gentle fingers stroking through her water tangled hair. A content hum sneaks from the back of her throat from the sensation at her scalp. She has had her hair braided countless times before but never had it felt this good - this healing. _How can this woman, so gentle, be the commander of death?_ \- _You. You did that. You turned her into that._

A hand squeezes the top of her shoulder to single the completion of the braid. She can’t help the relaxing of her head to the side of the touch as her cheek rests atop Clarke’s knuckles for a moment before her thoughts clear the concussed haze rolling through her skull and she returns her head upright and away from the girls touch. “Ok. How are you feeling?” 

“Much better. I could stand to for a walk I think. See my people. See the woods. I miss them, Clarke.” The woods have always helped to heal her. Her body. Her heart. Even her soul with time. The woods had life, green and quiet. So vast that not even she could destroy it. She fit in the woods. The trickling rivers did not care about her title, nor did the animals care about her red sash and the mark between her brows. The trees certainly did not care she held the command of a vast army as they outnumbered her entire people. 

“Not yet.” Lexa’s head drops in a little pout. “Soon. I promise.” She rubs her hands over the towel at the brunets sides. Lexa hopes Clarke never stops caring for her like this. She hasn't felt this safe in a long time, in ever actually. The blonde steps in front of her and lifts the towel from her left leg to look at the cut. From what Lexa can tell she did a most excellent job with the stitches, even better then Nyko. She spreads a salve on it before placing a skaikru bandage over the wound. “That looks good.” She smiles up at the brunet with reassurance she really didn’t need, she didn’t really care if it scarred or not. What was one more mark on her skin? “It shouldn’t scar too bad. Here. I got some clothes for you to put on so you don’t have to be in that gown.”

She removes the top part of the towel and allows it to rest on Lexa’s lap. First Lexa slides her injured arm through the sleeve of the green shirt with Clarke’s help and Clarke does the rest of the work in pulling it over her head and sliding her other arm through the hole. When Lexa stands slowly again with more help from Clarke then she cares to admit the shirt covers her where Clarke helps her step into a pair of underwear and soft loose pants. The blond bends down to pick her up again. “No, Clarke. I can walk a few paces back to the bed.”

“Ok.” With the first step Lexa nearly falls flat on her face. The muscles in her quad not firing correctly from where the blade dug deep into her. Clarke only catches her against her side and holds her steady. “I’ve got you. It’s ok, Lexa.” _It is far from ok. Clarke. I need to be able to fight at any time and now I can not even walk, dress, or bathe myself._ “Use me.” _I’ve used you too much._ “You can do it.” 

She takes another step and this time its easier with her weight being supported by Clarke. It takes a little bit of time to get back to the bed and Clarke has to help her up but it is a start. “What is this rehab you speak of?” Lexa dangles her legs off the side of the bed as she sits facing Clarke. Her headache has retuned a little and she can feel her definite broken ribs with each breath. 

“Exercises and stretches to help your shoulder heal quicker and better. You ready to start? It’s not going to be pleasant.” Lexa watches her eyes move to the arm thats laid protectively against her lap near her torso. 

“I expect not. Anything to get me back to my - our - people. I have spent enough time from them as it is.” _I have truly been weak._  

Clarke nods and Lexa reads the fleeting dread in her expression before it is tucked neatly behind the blonde’s own mask. This really is going to hurt. “Ok. Today I’ll move it some to help with the stiffness and range of motion then I’ll give you a massage and try to rub out the muscles in your shoulder. Tomorrow we will start with some strengthening stuff.” Lexa is already looking forward to the message. After battle she usually receives one and they are heavenly she can’t imagine one from Clarke would feel. “Lay on your back.”She does as she is told and allows her head to sink slightly into the pillow beneath it. The muscles in her neck strain none the less in anticipation for the discomfort that is sure to follow. “This will hurt worse if you don’t relax.” 

“Sha.” She mutters habitually as she forces herself to take a deep breath allowing some of the tension trapped in body to leave with the slow warm breath. The blonde takes her injured arm in her hands and straightens her elbow bending it at it’s hinge to loosen the joint stiff from it’s lack of use. The movement isn’t comfortable but it doesn’t quite hurt either. 

Clarke scoots closer too her on the chair, her butt resting half on it so she can control Lexa’s arm a little better. She takes her not strait arm in her hands, one at the wrist one supporting the elbow and lifts it up slowly. Lexa’s back stiffens at the discomfort and Clarke retreats the angle of her arm for a moment before pressing it up once more. The motion continues for long minutes widening the angle and decreasing it slightly before continuing on. She was right, it most defiantly does not feel pleasant. She grits her teeth down and tries to hide behind Heda’s mask. It’s no use really Clarke isn’t looking at her but focused intently on her shoulder, and even if she were she has a way of seeing right past it. 

The next motion is away from her side to the side. This one is worse. She arches her back into the table she feels her body tense as Clarke methodically moves her shoulder. “Breathe, Lexa.” She exhales a breath she wasn’t sure why she was holding. She has experienced worse pain after all. Clarke works her arm strait at many different angles not quite allowing the brunette’s arm to reach ninety degrees from her body. The arm is returned to her side. 

Clarke bends the girls elbow again rotating her hand so that it faces toward her stomach and her lower arm is straight up in the air. Her tender hands had the brunette’s arm steady as she gets lost in the blue ocean. “These are going to be worse. Try to relax. Breathe through it. If it’s too much just tell me.” Lexa only nods and bids the blond continue. _How bad could it get?_

Her hand rotates away from her stomach slowly “I know how to breathe through pain, Clarke. I’m a warrior. This is next to noth-” A deep gasp is pulled between her fiercely clenched teeth. Her wrist fights agains Clarke’s hold to get back to her stomach. Clarke allows it to retreat a moment only to continue the slow motion forward. 

She huffs in near amusement. “Feel nothing, huh?” Her arm is straightened again and the blond bounces it up and down slowly working it away from her side just as before. When she is nearly perpendicular to her body she stops bending the elbow once more. “Now seriously. This is going to hurt.” one hand rests in the middle of Lexa’s upper arm supporting it so it doesn’t put too much pressure on the injured shoulder. Her other hand turns Lexa’s so it faces downward and begins to lift the bent portion of the arm rotating it backward. 

Almost immediately Lexa’s entire body tenses not wanting the arm rotated any further, not wanting it to drop below parallel with where she lay either. Clarke stops and slowly wiggles the girls upper arm in attempt to loosen the shoulder. “Don’t fight it. We’re almost done. I’m going to take it to about forty-five degrees both directions. That’s it.” She nods to the blond and closes her eyes. The muscles in her lower back clench as she fights the arching of her back. Sweat is dripping from her brow and she is panting a little by the time the blond returns her arm to rest across her stomach. 

The pain has cleared the fog from her mind momentarily and she wishes it hadn’t. Her shoulder is throbbing and feels as if their is a knife imbedded deep into the joint. She mumbles protest to any further movement of her arm and Clarke chuckles. “No more. Now take off your shirt and roll over.” Lexa picks her head up off the pillow and looks wide eyed at the blond. Her cheeks turning flush in her newly found state of mind. “For Christ’s sake Lexa for the massage. You know, so your muscles don’t turn to stone and ruin all the work we just did.” 

The sarcasm constantly flowing from the girl’s tung usually amuses Lexa but now she doesn’t know how she feels towards it. “Right. I knew you meant that.” She grips the hem of the shirt in her hands only to realize there isn’t any possible way for her to get the shirt off on her own. Clarke has turned her back to the girl affording her privacy as she retrieves a salve to help the stiffness. “C-Clarke.” She squeaks almost past her drying throat. 

“Yeah?” The girl turns back toward her to find the brunette still in the shirt sitting at an angle against the pillows. _Will you help me? I can’t do it._ She doesn’t make Lexa ask and she takes note to thank the girl later. Her helplessness is embarrassing. It is weak. She has to look down and away from the girl as she pulls the hem of the shirt over her torso and carefully removes it from her arms. A hand on her cheek turns her head back upward. “Hey.” Lexa keeps her eyes away still ashamed as the fog slowly returns from her brain, the pain in her arm subsiding enough to allow it. “Hey, look at me.” Lexa finds the blonde’s pretty blue eyes that seem to have found her soul. “There is nothing to be embarrassed about. Not with me.” 

"Um hm." she caught at the tickle in the back of Lexa’s throat dry from the lack of water intake. The sudden force to her lungs aggravates the side of her ribcage past any point of keeping it hidden. She doubles over and immediately clutches at the knife surly sticking in her ribs - there isn’t one. Lexa lets out a shaky shallow sigh and quickly tries to to compose herself without much success. Pain is vulnerable. Pain is weakness. To shot that is to invite comfort or extortion. With Lexa’s experience it was usually the later which is why she doesn’t let anyone know she hurts if she can help it - and with Clarke, clearly she can’t. 

Something in Clarke jumps at the opportunity and neither of them can figure out what it is but a switch seems to have flipped. That worried look, Lexa had only seen a handful of times, manifests itself in the blond’s entire body language, but when she realizes the older girl is trying to hide it she smiles small and soft.Trying let Lexa decide when she is ok. 

When she coughs again it takes a moment longer to regain her breath and even longer to regain her composure - or what’s left of it. Clouds of fog pass through her mind there a moment and gone only to return all too quickly. "Here, sit up." Lexa is hesitant and Clarke gives her time, but eventually she nods briefly. She gets up and climbs into the furs behind a leery Lexa, talking softly. “This might help.” Lexa leans forward and allows herself to relax with the girl behind her. The contact of the blond’s legs against the outside of her own make her heart flutter but not as she expected. It’s nice to be touched like this, intimately but in a way that’s comforting not arousing. This is not how she wanted Clarke to end up in her bed either but the touch is better than anything she could have imagined. 

Her hands work slowly at the sides of her ribs completely ignoring the shoulder she had planned on working. Chills and warmth both make their way up and down Lexa’s spine with the touch. ”This is bad Lexa, your whole back is in knots. No wonder you’re arm is so tight and it’s hard for you to breathe.” _What did you expect, Clarke? You were going to give me a message anyway._ “Go ahead and lay on your stomach. Is it alright if I straddle you? If not I’ll work around it.” 

She rolls herself over and away from the blond “Yes, Clarke. That is ok.”. Clarke's hips rest against her own as the girl holds herself up on her knees careful not to put too much pressure on Lexa, if any at all. 

Slow hands continue to work over her back, firm and pressing, not really at all gentle. A thumb dug into a knot specifically just above the small of her back to the left of her spine. Clarke held it with pressure and Lexa had to remind herself to breathe as a small intense moment of pain radiated from the spot as the knot was released which only made it a little better. Clarke's movements continued all over the girls back not yet up to her shoulder doing something to her ribcage that made it easier to breathe. It hurt if Lexa cared to admit it, which she didn’t, but Clarke seemed to know that already. “You doing ok? I know this can feel pretty bad and by pretty bad I mean that it sucks.”

“Sha.” Lexa sighs a little too shaky for her liking allowing herself to sink into the furs further. _This does ‘suck’._ Clarke finds another knot below the shoulder blade of her left and uninjured arm. Her hands dig at it and Lexa’s entire body tenses. “Our people have very different definitions of a massage, Clarke.” She mutters through gritted teeth which earns a slight chuckle from the girl siting atop her.

Her hands still for a moment resting on either one of her shoulder blades. “It’s a sports massage, Lexa. A little different then the one you're thinking about. I can ease up.”

“Continue, Clarke.”She bids with a tightens in her gut. This hurt, but it wasn’t just her muscles. She felt her already weekend emotional state growing worse. Each release of a knot collapsed a brick in the wall around her heart and she felt herself cracking.

"Okay then." the girl continues methodically moving her fingers and hands over tight shoulders. The pressure going deep into the hardened tissue causing lots of things pop and crack. It is incredibly uncomfortable and even painful to a degree. “Breathe. Relax.” The pressure lightens a moment as Clarke's flat hand rests atop her back moving in circles with very little pressure at all.

Once the tension leaves the commander Clarke continues with the long deep presses traveling the length of each individual muscle. Lexa feels herself tense up at the discomfort in her injured shoulder. Grabbing the blanket in her fists she try to focus on breathing though even that hurts. "Easy, Lexa, relax. I know it hurts." The pressure on her back, but just a little as Clarke shifts to the side. Fingers wrap beneath her shoulder blade and pull it toward the outside of the body for a moment. A choked noise somewhere between a cry and a grunt leaps unhindered from the back of her throat. “Sorry. I’ll work at that tomorrow.” 

The pulling stops and the hands now rub lightly over her entire back and travel up to her neck and down her arms. This is the massage she was hoping for. Lexa feels herself growing sleepy beneath the blond. But her nose still stings and wet tears threaten to spill from her eyes. She has not felt this level of cared for, this level of vulnerability, ever. She is stripped bare before Clarke. It’s scary and it’s raw. 

The tension is slowly released from her back and everything she has been holding up for so long collapses onto of her. Her mind is racing all over the place about everything she’s done, all the pain she’s gone through her entire life. _Costia. Gustus. Anya. Her parents. Her brother. TonDC. All her warriors. Her first kill. Roan. Every kill in between. The boy, Fin. Her battle horse. Those times she wanted to be a normal child. Heartache. Pain. Her people’s hopes and dreams. Peace. War. Clarke._

When the tears are about to fall, no longer capable of being damed up in the corner of her eye she gathers what inner strength she can manage. ”Stop.” She turns her head to look Clarke in the eyes over her shoulder. When she moves her hand again gently into Lexa’s back the commander rolls onto her side a little and grabs a small pale wrist in the curl of her fingers. “Em pleni!" Lexa releases her grip and gives a slight nod, rolling back to her stomach turning my head away thinking she would listen - what was she thinking, Clarke doesn’t back down. But that’s not this. This is Clarke pushing Lexa like she did in the tent when she called her out for her feelings. This is Clarke trying to help. The tender presses of fingertips resume much to Lexa’s dismay.

"Please stop." she weakly mutters with a strangled squeak, about to break completely. _You_ _can't do that. No one can know you’re not ok, because you are ok. You're fine. You have it together. You can bear this burden. You have your entire life, and the lives before that. You are Heda._

"Lexa, Look at me." she says with a calming compassion. The brunette once again turns her head to face those deep blue eyes. "You can't just burry this, run away from it, push it away. You don't want to live like that. You don’t deserve that. I'm going to continue. Close your eyes and just be _still_. Teik em go, Leska. Teik em go.” As she returns to tend to Lexa’s back sharp memories jolts through her mind flashing one after another.

Lexa begins to tremor beneath the weigh of Clarke’s hands and her own demons and burdens no longer held up by her back. “Klark.…Beja.”

"Shhhhh. It's going to be ok. Relax." She trails her hands down each side of Lexa’s back, every muscle in her body coiling up fighting the onslaught of emotion. The young leader begins to sob, tears streaing down her face and body wracking. "Breathe Leska. Take a deep breath." she soothes. 

"I can't, it is too painful." She whispers through the sobs. It might be painful to hold everything atop her shoulders on her own sure, but allowing everything to surface is more so. Of that she has no doubt. 

"I know. I know. Close your eyes and do your best." Neither of the girls are sure how long they remain like that, Lexa crying - Clarke rubbing her back. Eventually Lexa begins to dose off, still sobbing, with Clarke’s hands still working until she feels Lexa’s body finally relax relax below her. 

She gently runs her hand across the girl’s tattooed back like her mother used to do when she was sick. Her fingertips brush against Lexa’s tanned shin just barely allowing slow movements to send comforting trills up the girl’s back. Clarke starts to softly hum an old lullaby her Dad had hummed to her and whistled while he sat hunched over his work in their living quarters up on the Ark. 

It's comforting to Lexa even without the significance but tears are still rolling down her cheeks.They burn her skin and make it feel tight against her cheekbones. Her skin angry that she had been so weak. She hates every second the salty drops run across her face but they just won’t stop flowing from her eyes. 

Clarke has rolled off her now and taken her place back in the chair but continues the gentle strokes on Lexa’s back in time with the humming. “You’re the strongest person I know, Lexa, but you don’t have to do this alone. Not anymore. I’m here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Teik em go, Leska. = Let it go, Lexa.
> 
> I really wanted that point on to be in trigedasleng from Clarke but couldn't find a translation for it. Oh well. Hope you guys still enjoyed it though!


	5. Jus Drein, Jus Daun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa get out of Polis for a little while. Clarke just needs the day away and Lexa will allow that for her. They run into an old 'friend' who interrupts their get away, however unromantic it was going to be. Things are a little weird after the breakdown, Lexa's walls mostly back up out of embarrassment, and Clarke fighting her own inner battle. 
> 
> Lexa's POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one took a little longer then I wanted to to get it up but was dealing with some stuff and didn't get much time to work on it. Hope you guys like it! Next chapter will be more Clexa based I promise, lots of good stuff! But hers's this one. I like it's perspective on a not so together Clarke *shrugs*. Enjoy ya'll. Don't forget to comment. I pretty much live for those. Next chapter will be up sooner with some encouragement ;)

Clarke walks into Lexa’s tent as she is pressing out a few pushups. “You need to quit overworking that shoulder.” Lexa notices the little smile playing at the girl’s pink lips. She is clearly glad to see Lexa back to activity. Lexa is glad too. She was going crazy those couple of days she was bed ridden.

“It’s been weeks, Clarke. I am fine.” Clarke is in her jacket rolled up to just below her elbows, dark ‘grounder’ style pants that cling tight to her toned legs. Her time here on earth and in Polis has done a lot to make her stronger. Her hand gun hangs at her hip and there is a dagger strapped to the other. Lexa knows there are more knives somewhere else as well. Clarke’s turned into a warrior and she doesn’t know if she should be proud or sad about it. 

“It’s been five days since you woke up.” She huffs as the brunette stands and rolls her shoulders back trying to get the pain and stiffness to disappear. “You think you could handle riding a horse then?” Lexa’s always liked the sarcasm and is glad to see it return with much less bite that it had since the mountain. Its so very Clarke. No one else dared to sass her like that.

Ever since the night she broke down things have been a little weird. The two were closer then ever, closer then Costia and Lexa had been for sure, but also further apart. Clarke was still fighting her feelings a little bit and Lexa was embarrassed at her weakness but they both knew what was there. Clarke had been continuing the rehab and slowly, quicker then Clarke thought, her shoulder started feeling better. They were careful with the touches, Clarke was worried, she could tell but not only about Lexa. Lexa knew the blond wasn’t ready, maybe she was and just didn’t want to admit it, but she would wait. 

“Of course.” _I’m finally going back to the woods._ Lexa can’t help it but a smile flashes across her face though Clarke had turned a little colder to her as she healed and no longer needed to be tended too as intensely. The threat of her death no longer remained nor her immense pain, at least to Clarke’s knowledge. 

She was pushing herself hard in the exercises Clarke prescribed, doing more on her own even and her shoulder protested every step of the way. It was not the first time she had dislocated her shoulder but it had never been that bad. She swore she felt something rip when Roan had manipulated her arm from its socket but she ignored it against her better judgement. She convinced herself she hadn’t felt it but she couldn’t completely fool the nagging worry in the back of her head. She knew her body. Something was off and not getting any better as her muscles mended.

“Good. They are waiting on us. I figured you could use the day away.” _No, Clarke. You could use the day away. I just get to tag along so you can keep your eye on me._ “I’ve packed supplies. Let’s go.” 

She lets Lexa walk out in front of her to the horses where she helps the still mending girl up onto her war horse before climbing up on her own. The sunrise just starting to peak above the horizon is already beautiful, orange and pink stretch across the sky playing with a light shade of blue pale and bright all at once, it’s Lexa’s favorite actually. She always liked the sunrise, new beginnings, hope. “Where are we riding to?” 

“Someplace away from here.” She mutters under her breath and by someplace she means any-place, of that Lexa is certain. Her empty eyes focused far ahead of her not really focused at all, at least on anything visible to anyone but Clarke. _What happened?_ They walk their horses out of the back gate as not to be seen by a lot of people and leave the guards behind with a wave of Lexa’s hand that goes unnoticed by Clarke. The young leader needs to be away and Lexa will give her that if noting else. Clarke had healed her and she would try her damnedest to return the favor. 

They walk on the horses for a few hours in science apart from the occasional checking up on how she was doing. They were heading toward a mountainous portion of land near the sea. Lexa always liked it here, it was peaceful, and she’s not even a little surprised Clarke has found it. Clarke dismounts the horse smoothly sliding off it’s back and Lexa follows; her knees threatening to buckle as she hits the ground before she takes hold of her horse before she can fall. Clarke shoots her a glance from the corner of her eye but that’s the end of it, no scolding, no anything.

Clarke ties her horse to a nearby tree and motions for Lexa to follow her. “What is going on, Clarke?” _Talk to me._ She asks though she already knows. Clarke never was ready to go back to her people, sometimes she just needs to get away. Though usually this degree of unrest is brought upon by something and Lexa usually resorts to finding out the happening from one of her guards so she at the very least be vaguely aware to the reason of the girl’s pain - because it is so very clearly pain. 

“I wouldn’t expect you to understand.” _I do, Clarke. You know I do. What ever it is, I do._ The venom in her voice stings like a slap across her cheek but Lexa appears unfazed. She can take what ever Clarke will dish out, she deserves it after all - she caused this. 

Lexa’s foot slips on a wet piece of rock and she reels backwards for a moment before catching her balance. She grunts with the pull of the stitches still in her thigh and the tightening of her core against still sore ribs. Clarke turns to watch her limp for a moment and check to make sure there is no dampness on her thigh. The girls eyes move to her leg shaking her head slightly. “I swear to god Lexa, if you rip your stitches again I’m gonna be pissed.” The threat in her tone does not go unnoticed but there is something else Lexa finds to be slightly humorous but she can’t quite place it. 

  
“I will not. My leg is healed.” _Mostly… Kinda._ There is a crack in the woods behind them and they both freeze and draw their weapons slowly. Lexa spins her sword in her hand as she crouches and Clarke cocks her gun with a click. The sky people’s weapons are so loud but wildly effective if one only knows how to aim. 

A gunshot rings through the air and Lexa swears she hears it wiz past her head before it rips into the three behind her. They both run to cover and she gets there first sliding over a large log. Clarks’s hand finds her shoulder shoving her to the ground behind a log as she slides over behind her. _Why is skaikru attacking?_ _They shouldn’t be out this far, do they not realize they are firing at their leader?_ “Stay down.” Clarke growls. “I’m going to sneak around the back. I only hear one of them.” 

Lexa pushes against her hand going to get back into a crouch from where she sits promptly on her ass, closer to laying in the dirt than sitting actually. “I’ll flank the other side.” She whispers to Clarke as she moves against the girls hand still on her shoulder. Her blue eyes burning in hatred and adrenalin not unlike the blaze of the hottest part of a fire. _Who dare attack her and Clarke on their day away?_

“No. You’re still hurt and you’re staying here.” She growls in a low whisper and takes off her jacket removing a dark vest from beneath it. Her own eyes still void of anything Clarke but burning with the same furry Lexa felt in her own. “Put this on.” The skaikru armor is thrust down at her chest, they claim it can stop bullets but Lexa is beyond skeptical. 

“You will need it if you will not let me help.” Lexa looks up at her, her elbows supporting her body as she lay on her back on the forest floor amongst the leaves and twigs. Another twig cracks as the attacker moves closer. They need to move on them _now_.

“I can handle myself. I’m not as defenseless as everyone thinks.” She knows this stems from the guards, Bellamy, her mother, all of them telling her she needs to learn to defend herself. Lexa agrees, guns run out of bullets. “Right now, however, you are. So shut up and put on the goddamn kevlar! Right now Lexa! You’re staying here and you're staying hidden. Is that clear?” When she doesn’t answer the blond continues the growth of her anger. “IS THAT CLEAR?” 

Lexa slides the armor over her head and listens to Clarke not answering because she really didn’t want to give Clarke the satisfaction or admit that she was right. She knows she would only increase the danger Clarke would be put in. Her mind is still incredibly fuzzy and her arm is almost of no use at all not to mention her hindered agility from her leg that is most defiantly bleeding a little bit again. She isn’t stupid but her uselessness still pisses her off. She is Heda and it has been weeks since the duel -a simple duel. Lexa doesn’t say a word as Clarke slides away from her and around the tree into a watchful crouch. 

Lexa can’t see what’s happening but she hears a shot fire and hit the tree behind where she assumes Clarke is with bark chipping off at the contact. Clarke returns fire promptly two shots to the chest and one to the head ensuring death. Their attacker falls with a thud in the ground and Lexa emerges. The side of Clarke’s neck is dripping in blood that is already soaking her jacket. Lexa notices a piece of her ear lobe is missing.

“Lexa!” She growls. “Get back down!” Another shot fires from somewhere in the left and connects with her chest. Stealing the air from her lungs and facilitating the burning pain from her not yet healed broken ribs that are surely much further from healed now. “Goddamn it.” Clarke more then mutters. She slumps against a tree trying to catch her breath as she watches Clarke aim her weapon. 

It fires once and their is a grunt that shortly follows but the gun locks open, smoking and empty. “Fucking piece of shit.” The girl hisses and tucks the gun back into her pants as she draws her dagger. “Come on out and fight you coward. I’m right here.” A red headed man emerges from the trees dropping his own cocked open gun at his feet with a sickening evil grin on his face. She immediately recognizes the man as the one who offered her the deal. “Emerson.” Lexa sees that girl’s knuckles turn white against the wooden handle of the blade. _Patience Clarke. Relax._

“You going to kill me like you murdered my people? My two year old daughter? My pregnant wife?” He spits with no sorrow or remorse in his voice at all. It’s calm, antagonizing, where it should be filled with rage and revenge. _He is baiting you Clarke. Do not take it._ The rage is clear in Clarke’s eyes daring him to move. “How does it feel to know that your people’s blood run through my veins? Their pathetic little lives made room for mine.” Lexa’s own blood is boiling at the comment. This is a man who harvested her people for years but she know’s he’s doing it for that purpose. _Clarke. Do not listen to him. Do not attack, not yet._

Clarke’s hand relaxes against the handle as she spins it in her fingers. “You’re no different than us. Committing genocide. Just as we drained the outsiders for survival for years you burned us all. You’re no different from those savages either. You’re the worst of all of us. The commander of death.” He scoffs as if it’s a joke. ”You’re too weak to command anything. Look at you.” The muscle around the edge of Clarke’s jaw clenches in her anger. Her acceptance. Clarke believes every single word of it minus the part of Lexa’s people being savages.

“Why don’t you come over here find out just how weak I am?” Clarke steps forward to the man who throws a a blade at her. Clarke sees it just in time and spins out of the way of a lethal blow but a second knife sticks just above the hinge of her hip. The puncture doesn’t faze her as she leaps toward the man again. He jabs at her with force but she only catches the arm and twists it kicking the mans knee from beneath him and flipping the much larger man over her shoulder taking him to the ground in a fluid motion. _Where did she learn that?_

He is pinned below her as she sits on his chest, knees holding his arms down and knife in her hand. He spits up in her face and laughs but Clarke responds with the draw of the knife slow and methodical across his chest. His hand not held down by a knee takes hold of the knife in Clarke’s hip, twisting it as he jerks it to the right toward the outside of her body. Her body shows no sine of pain, her back neglects to stiffen she just swings her hand bearing the knife and removes his hand from his wrist with one smooth motion. He howls voice breaking violently through the chilly forest air. 

She only continues with the cuts drawing out his death to make it slow and painful. _Clarke, end it. You’ve won. End it. This isn’t you. END IT!_ Blood gurgles from his mouth as he spits it on her face. She doesn’t flinch at all just makes a cut on the inside of his upper arm that spills blood rapidly, but slow enough for him to feel every second of his death, into the dirt and fallen leaves below them. “It’s time you gave all the blood you’ve taken back you bastard.” She snarls through clenched teeth. 

When the life leaves his eyes Clarke stands and wipes his blood from her face with her palm and wipes that on her pant leg that is quickly becoming damp with her own blood. She removes his knife and tosses it dismissively on his chest before turning to face Lexa who was still struggling to catch her breath. Lexa just watches the blood covered women move toward her a shell of the girl she once was. It wasn’t but months ago she had felt bad for killing the sniper responsible for the bombing of TonDC now it’s as if she feels nothing, at least on the surface, at least right now. Lexa did that to her. It was entirely her fault.

Her heart aches in her chest. She presses her hands to the expanding hole that lies below her sternum trying desperately to fill it. _Clarke I am so sorry._ The blue eyes come back to focus as they catch Lexa’s struggling against the tree for air. Not realizing that she is being suffocated just as much by the guilt and pain she feels for Clarke as the newly broken ribs. She extends a hand down to help her up and Lexa reluctantly takes it. 

She is pulled to her feet with a groan as she hunches over to catch her breath. “Are you ok?” Clarke’s voice has returned to her tender care giver. “Let’s - “ She swallows the break in her voice. “Let’s get out of here.” 

Lexa only nods and allows herself to be helped upright by the still very bloody blond. Blood never bothered her, not really, but Clarke was covered in it and most of it was her own. Her head was spinning and her ribs were killing her, nothing was fatal, but the way Clarkes clothing was growing redder by the second hers might be. “Clarke, You are bleeding.” She knew her worry was showing and for good reason, it was a lot of blood.

“I’m fine, Lexa. It will stop soon enough” _No you are far from fine._ “There’s a cave a little bit of a walk from here. We can camp there for the night.” She leads them down a winding path of a cliff over top crashing waves after they retrieved the horses and walked with them for about twenty minutes. 

Some where along the way it started to drizzle and they were both drenched to the bone. The bleeding from the blond’s ear and hip had slowed but the glistening of new blood in the sunset was enough to bother Lexa significantly. She made her stop to bandage it. Clarke only pulled her shirt off and tied its around her head exposing her slender core and her breasts wrapped in a grounder style binding and a deep gash above the waistline of her pants. Lexa couldn't help but stare. _She is perfect._ They had left the horses atop the bluff and made their way down. Lexa wondered how Clarke found this place.

On the inside Clarke dropped the packs she was carrying with furs and the food they planed on having for lunch against a wall of the cave. In the dim light leaking in from outside Lexa saw there was a fire pit already made and some wood stacked near it. Before she could open her mouth to ask Clarke provided an answer. “I stayed here for a few nights when I left.” She stacked some of the wood in the pit and got a small fire going.

“Clarke you are still bleeding.” She reaches into a bag and grabs Clarke’s first-aid kit and a few towels. She steps closer to the girl hunched over the fire shivering in wet chills and blood-loss. 

“I don’t care.” The empty response that falls haphazardly from’s Clarke’s tung shatters her heart. _How many times could that happen in one day?_ Her eyes meet Lexa’s and travel down to where the round is still stuck in the vest. Clarke helps her remove it, she affords herself a grunt as her ribs shift at the movement of the armor off of her. “I told you to stay down. You could have been killed.” The blond mutters.

“I wasn’t.” She takes a soft cold hand in her own. The icy blue eyes before her are cracking, slowly, but cracking none the less.“I wasn’t, Clarke. I am ok.” The blond only nods and swallows what ever response she had deep into her throat. She was starting to unravel andthere wasn't much either of them could do about it. ”Now sit down and let me tend to you." _Let me fix you._ Lexa commands to a point where Clarke can't help but do as she says. The defeated blond just quietly sits down and lets her begin to fix her physical wounds at least. She was actually losing a lot of blood and Clarke was no idiot. 

Lexa’s hands unwrap the bloody shirt so gently from the blond’s dripping head and tosses it aside deep into the cave. She brushes the girl’s cheek as she tucks her hair back out of the way. Taking a towel from the bag and squeezes some alcohol on it she starts cleaning the blood away from pale shivering skin. Clarke only flinches a little in a grimace from the sting at the open wound. Her eyes show no sign of the discomfort though, just a broken emptiness. In her many experiences Lexa is well aware of the sting of alcohol and how it throbs deep into a cut so she blows on it trying to give the girl some relief. 

Her long strong fingers moving so delicately over the wound as she cleans it careful not to press to firmly on the torn flesh. The brunette’s tender hands always surprise Clarke, they usually surprise herself too, as they have caused so much destruction it seems impossible they could still be used to heal. Maybe in another life she could have been a healer instead of this. “The bullet came so close to your head. Luck was on your side.” 

“Yeah, I should be dead. He’s a bad shot.” 

“I’m glad you’re not.” She finds herself admitting. _I could not have handled if you were._ Lexa is looking so intently at the place an earlobe should be, making sure to clean it out well to ward off any infection she doesn’t notice the blue eyes watching her own.

“Yeah” Clarke sighs her shoulders rising briefly before sinking long and deep back into where they rest on the rocky wall. “I am too.” She says the words but it is clear she does not fully mean them. Lexa decides to leave it. Now’s not the time for this conversation. In the corner of her vision she see’s Clarke allow her eyes to flutter closed as she drops her head back into the cave wall behind her simply allowing Lexa to work. The flesh is jagged and hanging but there isn’t much to be done. Clarke’s kit did not have any thread to sew the wound back together where it had been ripped away.

She shutters below Lexa’s hands as the warrior cleans the rest of the blood from her skin. Her jaw is slightly shaking chattering her teeth together as her muscles shiver. The towel wiping down her neck and shoulder, her back and side. Drying the rain swirling with red and even the parts that aren’t. Slowly as the fire warms the air the girl stops shaking and the goosebumps disappear only to reappear after a few minutes following the gentle touches Lexa trails against Clarke’s pale skin more scarred then the last time Lexa had seen it. 

Clarke’s body relaxes in the commander’s presence, allowing the shell to slip away so she can feel something and be cared for for once. Hope thuds in Lexa’s heart at the combination of her trust and the response of her skin. _Maybe there is a chance._ “Lay back, Clarke.” She whispers and the blond follows as she is told, Lexa leaves a hand on her upper back to aid her, the knife wound has ripped through her abdominals and will not make the action pleasant. If it isn’t Clarke doesn’t show. She a much easier patient than Lexa had been a few days prior and even better then Lexa had expected. Removing her hand from below the blond she lays her blade near the fire so it can heat up enough to close the wound at the blond’s hip. 

Her fingers ghost around the hip wound before a clean towel follows. It’s fairly deep, the knife was stuck to handle but the blade was relatively small to the knives her and Clarke both carried. The wide hole the twist left and the about three inch trail from it though made her nervous. They came close to some crucial spots but had seemed to miss them.

How she wishes that her and Clarke could be like this in different circumstances other than either one being hurt - gentle with each other with touches and demeanor. A small hiss escapes the blond’s mouth as Lexa presses down on the wound in attempt to clean forest debris from it’s interior. 

Once the dirt is gone she replaces the towel in her hand with a glowing dagger. Clarke’s head rises from where it has been laid back as she watches Lexa bring it near her skin a little wide eyed in anticipation. “I’m sorry.” She catches herself biting down on her lower lip desperately trying to talk herself into doing this but she doesn’t want to hurt Clarke more then she already has. She notices the slight tremor in the blade extending from her leery hand. The quivering is foreign to her ever steady hands, she cannot afford them, especially not now. 

An icy palm finds hers that is resting around the wound holding the skin steady. Clarke’s fingers wrap around hers and give it a gentle squeeze. “It’s ok.” The blue eyes lose the brief show of fear they had betrayed. Lexa swallows the lump growing in her throat and looks away from her piercing eyes back to the wound. Out of her periphery she see’s Clarke’s jaw clench shut and her head press back into the rock preparing herself for the onslaught of pain that accompanies the press of hot metal to one’s skin. 

Lexa moves Clarke’s hand from her own and places it on her forearm so she has something to squeeze. She steadies the skin around the gash once more. “Ste yuj.” She says to herself as much as she does to Clarke as she presses the hot blade to her skin. It hisses as it burns the flesh. A strangled groan fills the air of the cave followed shortly by panting as Clarke tries to fight off the pain ripping at her nerves. Her fingers tighten around Lexa’s arm for a moment before the knife is removed and tossed aside. Lexa wipes some salve over the freshly sealed and blistering wound and bandages it up with ginger fingers careful to avoid pressing down on the tender skin. 

“Son-of-a bitch.” Clarke forces a laugh through gritted teeth fooling no one as she leans up on her elbows still panting as the initial pain subsides. Her eyes fall on Lexa who's lips are curled in a sleepy half hearted smile. Her head has resumed it’s spinning and the whole breathing thing isn’t going great at the moment for Clarke either really, her panting hasn’t entirely calmed down yet from the press of the hot metal. Clarke notices, she always does. Lexa’s eyes have clenched shut as she tries to steady her rapidly spinning head and her breathing has become increasingly slow and shallow. “You should get some sleep.” Lexa forces her eyes open and leans back from the younger leader to allow her some space.

"You should put a shirt on, Clarke. It will get colder further into the night.” She warns as she lays out her own dripping outer layers by the fire so they might dry. “You packed extra clothes though you were only planning a day trip.” Lexa quips, knowing full well Clarke intended to stay over night anyway.

"I'll be plenty warm. You really should rest.” Clarke shivers already at the feel of the cool breeze coming off of the ocean air fresh with rain. Lexa runs her hands over her head wrapping them around her braids and wringing them to get rid of the water carful not to pull too hard and upset her head further. “You’re right. We should change out of this wet stuff first though. No sense in getting sick.” 

“Ok.” Lexa forces herself to look away as the blond changes. Her body is hard to resist. The clothes hit her in the back of the head as she turns to see Clarke eyes cold from the day’s events but mouth turned up in the corner. Clarke comes in waves now, tender at times but cold or angry most the others. Lexa knew she had Clarke like she had said that night she fell apart but she did not expect that all the time. Especially when Clarke did not even have herself. She had put aside her pain while she cared and worried for Lexa but when it came back that made it all the more powerful. Lexa understood that. 

Even still, the only thing Lexa didn’t mind about being incapacitated for that time and still a little bit was that Clarke’s tenderness had retuned for more than just a fleeting moment. She remembered the soft press of lips to her cheek and forehead but she never expected them to return after she healed. Though healers don’t do that she knew Clarke and her relationship was on a different level even with all the stuff between them. She doubted she could hold herself back from those comforts if the roles had been reversed. It had function of distraction for the blond as well, from her own wounds and her worry. 

“You too, Commander.” She stands up and begins changing each movement shortened by her aching side. Her soaking wet pants come off and she slides the new ones on with ease. Before Lexa puts the shirt on she shakes her head in attempt to ring some of the remaining water out. The vertigo only worsens and she stumbles slightly on her feet as the pounding increases. She is overly careful not to move her throbbing shoulder too much - she _has_ been over working it despite what she told Clarke. Reaching behind her neck her left arm grabbing the collar she attempts to shrug out of the dripping cloth that hugs her body.

Her breath catches in her lungs as Lexa becomes suddenly aware of Clarke's hands pulling the shirt over her head from behind and sliding it up her torso. Making sure not to bump her ribs as she eases the strain on her shoulder. Chills trail across Lexa’s sides where the cool fingertips had graced her skin. The gesture surprised her and she tensed against the girl breathing softly behind her. 

Clarke had already made a bed out of the furs she packed near the warmth of the fire while Lexa was slowly struggling to dress herself. They looked so inviting but Lexa knew Clarke needed the rest more and she didn’t want to overstep. Lexa turns to face the girl still standing behind her, not quite touching but not quite needing too either. Their eye contact is a bit awkward so Lexa breaks it bending down to grab the wet clothes and lay them by the fire. Clarke hands her the shirt where Lexa is crouched and the younger girl yawns wincing at the pull of the skin on her hip. “You sleep, Clarke. I will take first watch.” 

“No one knows we’re here and I killed our only threats. You don’t have to keep watch.” The blond rips a piece of jerky in her teeth as she tosses one to Lexa who eagerly does the same. She had forgotten how hungry she’d been in her worry for the blood dripping down Clarke’s body. 

“There are always threats, Clarke. Often when one least expects them. I will keep first watch. You will be safe.” 

“I don’t need protecting, Lexa. I am plenty capable on my own.” She seems almost disgusted at the idea she has become so proficient in selfdefense but she is proud too. As she should be. 

“As I am aware.” She offers the struggling blond a small smile. “Your skills today were impressive. Where did you learn such combat?” 

The blond only shrugs. “I knew some from the Ark. Little things. I watched old fights on video. The way the bodies moved captivated me. When I got down here I had different people teach me stuff. Especially while I was away after the mountain. I figured if I couldn’t be safe I might as well be fucking deadly -live up to the title and all since I’m already a murder.” The way she utters it so nonchalantly rips again at Lexa’s heart. _Wanheda - the Commander of Death._

“You are no mur-“

“Oh, spare me, Lexa.” The words bite through the air and Lexa feels the air rush from her chest as if she’d been punched squarely in her broken ribs. She however manages to keep her features free of the pain Clarke caused her, knowing she deserved it full well. She had caused worse. 

“Well then I shall keep you safe so you do not need to be deadly, if only for a few hours. Rest Clarke. I have been sleeping for two weeks.” She stands from where she is still crouched by the fire to move to sit where she can see the opening of the cave but still remain close to the glowing warmth. She rests her hand haphazardly on the knife handle at her hip the familiar wood at her fingertips soothing. 

“Coma’s don't count.” The blond huffs under her breath just loud enough for Lexa to hear over the now crackling fire as she lays down on the furs complying with the older girl’s wishes. Lexa concludes she was most defiantly not meant to hear that but she was glad she had. 


	6. Storms a' Brewin'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trapped in the cave by a storm the girls are forced to deal with the storm in Clarke's mind. 
> 
> Clarke's POV
> 
> Angst. Comfort. Maybe some physical affection ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy ya'll, really loved writing this one. Let me know what you think!

Clarke allows herself to finally succumb to the blood loss induced exhaustion of the day’s events. She had lost a lot of blood, way more then was healthy or safe really but she didn’t care. Not in the slightest. She needed to feel something for what she did today. That was not ok, she was not ok. Not in any sense. Sure Emerson deserved it but who was she to make him suffer like that and feel little to no remorse _. Wanheda._

Her hip was screaming and her muscles ached around the would where they had been ripped through by a less then sharp blade. She had deserved that though too. And a lot worse if she was being honest. She deserved so much worse which is why she didn’t let Lexa patch her up until she was stumbling and dizzy in the cave. It was stupid but Clarke really didn’t care. 

She saw Lexa’s heart breaking over and over that day and she didn’t want to deal with that. She didn’t want to have to address her clear feelings for the girl or how they had come out when she was dying, unconscious in that bed for over a week. She was in love with the Commander and the only thing she could do about it was push her away. Clarke knew the only reason she had hated her so fiercely after the mountain was because she loved her so helplessly. She loved Lexa with all her heart and there wasn’t a damn thing she could do about it.

Deep in her sleep her ghosts find her. She hates sleeping now because of it, even more then she used too even as a child. She does everything she can to avoid it and people are noticing. The skin below her eyes was permanently colored as if she was a fight every night - she was though, just not one that left visible wounds. She wondered if that’s part of the reason Lexa’s war paint was the way it was, to hide it. Lexa’s worry for her was so incredibly palpable, part of her wanted the brunette’s comfort, most of her actually but the small part who was still mad at her didn’t want it. 

Fin’s ghost is always first. He haunts her, calling princes over and over. I _loved you princess. I trusted you to save us. You killed me. You killed those 18 innocent people. That was for you._ She feels his life leave his body against hers as his head slumps down. Her knife plunge into his heart breaking it one last time. If only he had known she was ok. If he had remained that boy who only wanted peace. She had turned him into what happened. He was still just a kid. 

Wells’ ghost comes next. Then Adam’s. Then Charlotte. Then the people at TonDC. Then the 300 warriors join the crowd. Then it’s Mount Weather. Dante. Anya. The sniper. Whatever grounders. Her Dad is always the last one and he burns like the mountain men. 

She started muttering and tossing at the TonDC victims surrounding her. They had died for nothing. Lexa’s people died for no reason. “Clarke.” She feels a hand on her shoulder shanking her. “Clarke wake up. You are only dreaming. It is not real. Clarke wake up.” Clarke is brought from her nightmare by Lexa’s light voice. She’s sweating and panting and has to fight the whimper forming deep in her throat. “It is ok, Clarke."

“It’s not.” She sits up as she’s slowly tires to breathe through the panic ripping at her heart and the pain returning to her hip and ear. Lexa’s green eyes are wide and filled with concern. She knows. She understands. Clarke knows she does. “Not now, Lexa.” _I don’t want to talk about this now. I just want to be alone_. But she didn’t she just wanted to be held and told it would be alright as much as she knew it would be a lie. “It’s time I took over watch anyway. You need to sleep.” The green eyes are hooded by heavy eyelids that crease just below her eye as a sign of her exhaustion. Once or twice the brunette clenches her eyes shut as her body waves around unsteady. “You’re eyes are hardly open and I know your head is killing you. Your concussion is no where near healed and you exerted yourself too much today.” 

The brunette nods and slides beneath the furs as Clarke slides out and to the opening of the cave. It doesn’t take the girls breathing long to even out. She is a little surprised at Lexa’s compliance but then again not really. She hadn’t pushed Clarke since she’d beaten Roan. Not like she did in the month or so after Clarke had returned. She tried to make Clarke feel something, anything really, anger, hate, happiness… Lexa was too good for her. Clarke knew it. She had given her soul countless times for her people, her heart even more so. Yet she still remains Lexa, a little broken sure, but she still held compassion, forgiveness, wisdom where all Clarke had was nothing. At least that’s how it felt. 

Once she hears Lexa’s breathing calm in sleep she sits down and curls her knees to her chest and burrows her head in her arms. Tears form in the corner of her eyes and she allows them to flow freely down face. Clarke was quiet, sniffling and only whimpering at a whisper as her body shook in rejection of her emotion. She saw herself sitting atop Emerson today, draining the life from him as slowly as she could medically. His blood had stained her pants at her knees. It was in the ridges of skin on her hands. It was on her face. It stained her heart. She hadn’t really know where his blood started and hers ended. 

Her ear stung and how close that bullet had been to ending her life, if you could even call it that anymore, didn’t even phase her. She really could care less either way but a bullet to the head would be to easy for the pain she had caused. She deserved so much worse. So she’s sure it was the universe’s way of punishing her inside her own mind for what she has done to allow the lead to pass through her ear instead of her skull. 

The tears were hot on her cheeks stinging her flesh and making it tight. She couldn’t catch her breath either but she tried to breathe anyway. She was supposed to be a doctor. Save lives not take them. What had happened to her? _The ground. Leadership._ Bellamy had only reminded her of that yesterday morning. He was handling the lever pulling a lot better then she was. He hadn’t pulled it though. Not really. He placed his hand on it sure but Clarke had pulled that lever with her _entire_ being. It wasn’t his responsibility, it wasn’t his decision. 

He was being a dick yesterday. He hadn’t forgiven Lexa and wanted to know why Clarke was spending so much time in Polis with _her_ and taking care of _that bitch_. Clarke couldn’t give him a very good answer but had given him orders to take back to her mom and Cain. That’s when he snapped and told her she didn’t deserve to be in charge because people died when she was. It was coming from the deaths of some of their people at mount weather when it had exploded a few weeks ago. She sent Gina there to be in charge of getting the supplies out and the mountain had self-destructed killing the entire group and adding new faces to the crowed shadows that followed her in her sleep. 

“I’m so sorry. I never meant to kill any of you.” Her chest had cracked open at this point. The emptiness deep below her sternum no longer contained to where her heart was but all through out her chest. She felt more like a shell of a person now then ever. Alone here in a damp cave where comfort was sleeping only a few feet away. But she wouldn’t let herself have that luxury. She deserved every ounce of pain and she would suffer it on her own. 

_So many people are dead and it's my fault. I murdered innocent children._ She can't breathe with out it hurting, her chest has gone so tight in panic trying to fight the emptiness echoing deep inside. Her time spent taking everyone else's burdens… her broad shoulders can't hold all of this anymore, the weight is just to much. Clarke can't suppress the flash backs and nightmares of the choices she’s made and they all flood her vision. The things she’s done… Oh the things she’s done…

The last few weeks she was trying so hard to hold it together- burry it all deep behind the mask - because she knew once all this stuff surfaced… she would never be the same, she never could be. Not after.. She had tried so hard to be the leader she had to be, the leader her people needed, the leader they elevated her to with out her consent. She tried to be strong and unfazedfor them but she couldn’t do it anymore. Her heart had been broken and shattered so many times the pieces must be like grains of sand by now. But _Clarke Griffen can't be broken because if I break then how will anyone else hold it together. If I break then how can my people trust me? How can they trust me anyway? The only thing that follows me is death._ She had a sickening feeling that Lexa felt the exact same way. 

Through her sobs and flashbacks of her friends looks she didn't hear the brunette stirring behind her. The still eyes trained on her. The smell of burning flesh. The slick blood between her fingers. _It’s not good enough. Try to remember we’re the good guys. You killed him._ There is warmth at her side and arms wrap around her. She wants to fight it but she can’t, she can’t fight anymore. _How pathetic._

She leans into Lexa’s body as the tears continue to run down her cheeks. “Lexa I’m a monster.” She mutters into the air as Lexa sits beside her with a amor around her shoulder and one resting on Clarke's arm closest to the girl.

The hand gives a slight squeeze just above Clarke’s elbow where it rests. “No, Clarke. You are not. Do not listen to the demons in your head.” 

“But I’ve killed so many. So many who trusted me, relied on me. I’ve given everything - everything I am- and it’s still not good enough.” 

“It’s not.” Clarke stiffens in Lexa’s arms and the brunette responds with gentle circles rubbing on her upper arm. “And it won’t be. They will ask for more and you will give it because that is what we have to do. I know you did not ask for this. I know you do not want this, Clarke, but it is how things are. Your people chose you to lead them, and they did not choose wrong.” Lexa wants so badly to protect the girl from the pain she suffers herself but she can’t. She cant lie to her about this pain. She won’t do that to Clarke because she deserves better. 

“They did.” 

“No. _You_ protected them from my army. _You_ delivered them from the mountain. _You_ made this peace.” 

“At what cost?” She turns to find herself getting lost in perfect grey-green eyes. “Lexa, at what cost?”

“Yours.” _Your peace._ “You deserve so much better then this punishment you have been giving yourself. Give up your burden Clarke, you do not have to carry it alone. You do not have to punish yourself for saving your people. You are no murder, Clarke. You kill only when you must and you feel the pain of it so deeply. So deeply that it rips at your insides and you feel like…” Clarke nods only knowing that the feeling is too deep, to painful to really put into words but Lexa does. “all your bones are being crushed and your heart is being ripped from your already empty chest and your soul is draining from your veins like blood that spills from an open wound. You are suffocating and bleeding to death all at once.” Her voice doesn’t shake. It is low and steady and everything Lexa. Simple truth. Simple painful truth. Clarke bows her head forward in submission to the weight of the honesty those words carry. “That, Clarke.. That is not the heart of a monster.” 

Clarke doesn’t respond she does not quite know how. Lexa’s words are so honest and pure, she doesn’t sugar coat it. She only lays the truth bare and Clarke finds comfort in that, heartbreaking- earth shattering comfort. Without consent Lexa turns her in her strong arms and Clarke allows it carful not to put much weight against the still injured arm. She tucks her head into the nape of the brunettes neck and lets the comfort that she’s fought for so long surround her. 

She lets herself really feel her heart breaking in her chest. The reality of her actions and their consequences wash over her in full, suffocating, waves that pound her just below the surface. She quits fighting as she tucks into Lexa’s side. 

The next sound from Lexa isn’t soft words of honest, comforting, brutality, but maybe the most beautiful voice Clarke has ever heard. It’s low and soft as she sings into Clarke’s hair. The vibrations in her chest catching the scattered tears falling from blue eyes. The soft slow melody pulls her in closer as Lexa sings. The commander of the 13 clans had the voice of an angle. 

Her voice carries through the song and then another thats slow and sad. Eventually the singing ends but neither of them move. Lexa’s warm lips press to the top of her head as she pulls Clarke closer for a moment. Her chest rising slow and steady, heart drumming out the beat to Clarke’s new favorite lullaby. “I am so _so_ sorry, Clarke. I never meant…” The words seem to get caught in her throat and the blonde gazes up into wet green eyes. A lump of emotion slides down the font of Lexa’s tanned muscular neck. “I never meant for you to become Wanheda. I never meant to turn you into that.” The lips shake as they press to her forehead and Clarke’s heart breaks in a whole new way. 

She forces the corners of her mouth up in a soft smile offering some comfort to the older leader. Where a damp streak is a phantom on her cheek, Clarke reaches up to brush it with her hand. “Lexa, don’t give yourself so much credit. It’s not your fault.” _It’s no one’s fault. We both know that._ She nods forward slightly into Clarke’s hand still resting on her cheek. “Lets go to bed. No one really needs to keep watch and we know it.”

“Sha, Clarke.” Clarke makes herself slide from the other girls arms struggling to stand up with the injury at her hip. She reaches her hand down to help up the brunette who takes it in her own, running her thumb across the backs of Clarke’s knuckles.  They walk hand in hand over to the furs and Clarke slides back under them with a shiver. Lexa returns to the fire that has become glowing embers and stacks it expertly willing it back to life as the air in the cave immediately starts to warm again. 

Lexa stands near the furs a little hesitant to share a bed with the blonde. She is so mindful of Clarke’s feelings and her wants and at the realization the whole in her chest doesn’t seem so gaping. She pulls the furs back inviting her in but the older girl is still hesitant “Lexa, come on, get in. It’s ok.”

Tentative eyelids close over her green eyes as she nods forward. Bending slowly down she slides beneath the furs. Laying on her back she is mindful to still give Clarke as much space as she can. Clarke allows for it for a moment but the hole is returning in her chest that seemed to only go away when she was in Lexa’s arms. The older girl’s breathing hasn’t evened out though her eyes were closed Clarke could tell she wasn’t asleep.

“Lexa,” she chokes out around a lump of emotion in her throat. “c-can you hold me?” She turns on her side to face the brunette as the green eyes flutter into view. She looks down at Clarke with a tender smile.

“Of course, Clarke.” The blonde curls up next to her as the other girl rolls to her side, facing the same direction looking toward the fire. Lexa’s top arm naturally moves around her and she hugs it close laying her head on. The warmth of her body behind Clarke is soothing, and Lexa’s small strong arms gently holding her give a sense of security though there is no real threat at the moment.

Lexa shifts behind her and Clarke feels her shoulder roll behind her as she tries to loosen the tightness. Soon the blonde realizes she is pulling on the damaged joint as she hugs it to her chest. Clarke loosens her grip on Lexa’s soft skin to let the older girl re-situate in the blanket. She seems to relax into Clarke’s back and the younger girl finds herself scooting closer to her chest and Lexa hugs her snugly to her chest in return. They both keep gaze at the flames dancing around the dry wood as they get settled, it’s mesmerizing. 

"Is that better?" Clarke turns her head to ask the owner of her comfort. She just wants her to be comfortable. She is quite hurt and Clarke knows how she tries to hide it, pushing her arm past it’s limits.

“Sha." She nuzzles her nose into the back of Clarkes head burying it deep in her still slightly damp curls. 

“Resh op, Heda.” 

“Good night Skai Prisa.”

Somewhere along the night Clarke gets caught in a terrible nightmare. Dante is a lion trying to rip her to shreds. One by one her fingers are ripped off, then her limbs and finally he is ripping out her heart, claws tearing her chest cavity open - pulling each rib from her chest separately. He starts to bark and growl "Clarke." over and over until it fades and it’s no longer the old man’s raspy voice but a female’s pleading. "Clarke wake up." She opens her eyes to Lexa holding her fast to her chest, her legs pinning Clarke’s. Clarke realizes she must have been thrashing and had turned over at some point in her sleep because Lexa’s face is a breath from hers.

"It's just a bad dream.” Clarke tries to brush it off but she’s trembling now and can feel the sweat on the back of her neck as it’s caught in her hair line. It only makes Lexa pull her in tighter. 

“It is ok Clarke. I'm not going to let anything happen to you." she whispers and kisses Clarke on the forehead. “Not if I can help it. You are safe Skai Prisa.”

"Don't ever leave me." Clarke allows herself to whisper back before burying her face into Lexa’s pounding chest. Her own is pounding just as hard as she hides into the other girl. Right now her hold makes Clarke feel like nothing bad will ever happen.

"I couldn't even if I wanted to. Never again.” The blonde finally relaxes and the trembling ceases. Her breath and heartbeat returns to their usual pace as she takes in Lexa’s scent. She finally allows herself to fall back into sleep as she matches her breathing to Lexa’s that tickles the top of her head. 

Clarke wakes up to a raging storm outside lightning striking flashing light through the mouth of the cave. She can't help the alone feeling creeping over her skin. There is no warmth coming from Lexa beside her. She gets the feeling of a pair of eyes watching and slowly she lifts her head to see that Lexa is sitting with her back against the cave a slight shimmer of sweat on her forehead. Clarke realizes she must have been pushing that shoulder again in the privacy of the cave while Clarke slept. Immediately the edginess she woke up with is gone as she notices the wide tender Lexa is wearing with eyes watching her softly as though she was a glowing angle. Lexa’s nose is crinkled at it’s bridge as she is deep in thought.

Clarke’s voice comes out raspy with sleep as she chokes on the lack of moisture in the back of her throat. ”What are you thinking about?" 

“Nothing." 

“Doesn’t look like nothing. Lexa, I can practically hear you thinking.” She pushes as she works her way over to the older leader and leans against her chest. Lexa’s arm wraps around her like it’s the most natural thing in the world and sighs as it finds its rest on the top of the blonde’s shoulders.

“I almost lost you. I abandon you at the mountain. I know we were going into battle and you could have died there but I would have been with you. I could have protected you - shared _this_ with you. I did not know if you would make it.” She speaks softly in the blonde’s ear. Her lips grazing her skin and her breath tickling against her flesh. "It was hard to sit and wait for word of your fate.... Knowing I could not do anything to protect you. Knowing I made the decision to save my people over you. It brooke my heart, Clarke. I wanted so badly to return to your side, to have never made the deal…” 

“Lexa..”

“Clarke I wanted nothing but to fight with you and return to Polis with you to celebrate the liberation of our people. My heart ached so badly… I missed having you by my side. The way you looked at me. The way you _saw_ me.” Her head finds rest onto of blonde curls ruffled up to resemble a lion’s mane. “I missed you, Clarke.”

“I missed you too." She holds a clammy palm in hers and presses the back to her lips. 

"Honestly, I thought you wouldn't make it out of the mountain. But afterward when there was no word of you from the scouts I sent, I knew something was wrong and I became afraid all over again. There were roomers that you died in place of your people. I tried not to believe them but… I could not put it past you. l remember how you pleaded with me to take your life instead of Finn’s.” 

“Part of me did die, at least I thought it had.” It's the first time she’s actually said it out loud and hit hits Clarke a little harder then she expected. It's like an elephant is sitting on her chest. Not allowing any passage of air through her lungs. ”But… with you… I can feel it coming back.” 

“Clarke your heart is so big… larger then your stubbornness even.” She jokes, lightening the mood a little from this topic they had avoided for two months. She presses her lips just above Clarke’s ear and shifts slightly behind her.

“How is your arm? I know you tried to push it this morning. You and I both know it still bothers you more then you let on.” She asks with a accusing concern. _You need to take it easy._

“It hurts. I need it to be better… Clarke," She chokes out “If I can’t.. If it cannot heal.. I am never going to be the same. I must be able to fight for my people.”

“I'm sorry Lexa, but I know we’ll figure something out if it comes to that.” She gives the hand still in hers a squeeze. “You are so much more then a warrior, Lexa.”

“Clarke something is wrong.” She presses her nose to the top of the blonde head again. The worry stricken panic drips off her voice. Clarke’s heart jumps into her throat, Lexa wouldn’t just admit that.

“When we get back we will go to arcadia. My mom will check it out and we’ll figure out what’s going on.” She turns to face Lexa as she places her hand on the girls hip across her body. “I know our medicine scares you and you don’t trust it but she can fix it if it needs to be. The recovery will be long and hard probably but you can get your shoulder back. We can do it in a time of secure peace and until then we will work on it to keep it functioning. Ok? We’ll figure it out, Lexa.” 

The arm falling around the blonde’s back squeezes her tight to the brunette’s slight side. Clarke tilts her head up from where it rests against her shoulder to get lost in those swimming green eyes. “I trust _you_ , Clarke.” 

Lightning strikes again and the cave fills momentarily with a bright light before the steady glow of the fire dances back off Lexa’s tanned features. Clarke finds herself mesmerized by her beauty. She is so small but so _so_ big. So soft but so strong. So many contradictions wrapped all into one and in this Lexa is so very human. 

The green eyes seem to be taking Clarke in as well as the two just look at each other in a peaceful quiet filled with the noises of rain and the crackling of the fire. “You are so beautiful.” Lexa finds herself whispering into the air. 

Clarke’s hand tightens slightly at the muscular hip as she feels her cheeks warming under the tender gaze. Lexa opens her mouth to apologize but before any sound escapes he small pink lips Clarke slides up takes them in her own. The warmth of her lips on Clarke’s again after so long mends the blonde’s heart a little more, if only for the moment. It is tender and chaste not unlike the first, but this kiss is different too. It’s not questioning but yet still tentative as the soft lips press into each other moving slowly together. They aren’t on the brink of battle, it’s not a distraction. The two leaders are fully aware of what is happening, focused on the touch of their flesh, the breaths from their noses that tickle the other’s cheek. 

Lexa slides around not breaking the kiss but not urging it on either - not yet. She leans Clarke back on the ground tilting her chin to deepen the kiss and waiting for a response. Clarke slides her tong between her lips to taste Lexa’s which part immediately allowing the blonde entrance. She hums with content as their tongs explore each other. The kiss remains slow as they press firmly closer together, both wanting more. 

Lexa’s hips sit onto of Clarke’s but off to the side mindful of the still fresh wound. Her hand at Clarke’s hip advances up her side to rest on the side of her ribcage just grazing her brest. The touch sends a shiver down Clarke’s body and she responds by sliding her hand around so her fingertips play at the small of Lexa’s back through her soft thin shirt. 

Clarke’s mind is wondering as they kiss but she tries to focus on the goddess who kisses her like she could break any moment but also with such firmness… A thumb moves at her side and brushes the side of her breast through her shirt slow and gentle. Clarke stiffens at where she sees this going. Where part of her wants it to go, but where she knows isn’t really safe for Lexa’s still severally concussed sate nor her own emotional one. 

Lexa senses the apprehension immediately and moves her hand away from Clarke’s chest as she pulls back from the kiss. She rests her forehead on Clarke’s looking deep into her eyes as her eyelashes tickle the blondes and their lips remain a whisper apart. ”What is wrong, Clarke? I am sorry, I did not mean to make you uncomfortable..” She kisses the blonde gently, her lips lingering on Clarkes not quite touching but not quite not either. 

“I want this, Lexa I do.” She starts closing her eyes as she fights with herself. She reaches her hand between them and cups the side of Lexa’s face. “It’s just-“ 

“If you are not ready, Clarke, I will wait.” 

“I want to be.” She kisses her back in the same soft manner. “I am for some parts. I want this, us. But.. I know if you keep touching me like that… I know what it would have lead to…” her cheeks turn red in embarrassment “I’m not ready for _that_. I really _really_ want to be, but I’m not. I’m sorry, Lexa.”

Her thumb runs along the girls cheekbone above her. ”Do not be sorry, Clarke. We will go however slowly you need.” Her words tickle Clarke’s skin before Lexa’s lips find hers in a quick reassuring kiss before she rolls off and rests her head Clarke’s now toned stomach, using it as a pillow. 

She sighs as small gingers slide their way through her loos hair, the braids removed sometime last night. Lexa finds herself admitting something the commander cannot really afford. ”I could stay here forever with you. Nothing but the two of us." 

Clarke rubs her head, her hands running through her soft hair with her free arm as her head rests on the other one bent behind it. "I wish it could be that simple." She returns a soft sigh feeling the weight of Lexa’s head. 

"Me too.” The brunette sits up slowly as to not disturb the spinning that’s stopped in her skull and checks the bandage on Clarke’s ear. She moves to check the wound at Clarke’s hip that is colored a dark purple from the torn muscle. She applies new salve and a fresh bandage to it before bending down to press her lips lightly on the top of the bandage. 

Lexa helps Clarke up and the two get back beneath the furs both knowing that the weather would not allow them to return to Polis that day. “Thank you.” The blonde whispers to the small leader tucked into her uninjured side. 

“The pleasure is mine, Clarke. It is the least I can do.” Lexa’s arm snakes it’s way around Clarke’s middle and after a beat she whispers softly. “Thank you for taking care of me when I most needed it. Thank you for being there. It was a comfort to my soul to know you were beside me.” 

“You.. You knew?” Clarke turns her head toward the brunette where it rests at the junction of her neck and shoulder.

“Sha. I only wish I could have comforted you, but my body would not obey.” 

Clarke is quiet for a moment taking in what the older girl might have heard, what she might remember. And realizing that she never acted on any of it. She let Clarke have the privacy she thought she had. _Lexa is too damn good._ The blonde tilts her chin to press a soft kiss to Lexa’s forehead and the two drift off to peaceful sleep to the sounds of the storm and the gentle rise and fall of the chest of the girl pressed against each of them. Lexa’s heart beat is indeed the rhythm of Clarke’s new favorite lullaby. 


	7. The Return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa and Clarke head back to reality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the support through out this fic. I hope you have enjoyed it as much as I have. Tell me what you think. Love ya'll

The weather finally breaks and the two girls make their way silently from their safe haven, neither one needing to talk to fill the space but neither one really knowing what to say. The spring morning has hints of winter on it’s breath coming from the gentle crashing sea. The quiet noise of the waking woods fills the spaces words don’t need too. Birds chirping happily, the way the wind wraps around blossoming branches. The girls just have understanding and for that Lexa was forever grateful. Their horses seem to understand even as only a small huff occasionally passes quietly into the morning air as they walk back to TonDC 

 

Morning was always Lexa’s favorite time of day. On the battle field it was a saving grace, they made it through the night but everywhere else… It was a clean fresh new beginning. The pinks and oranges that were painted across the sky by an unknown hand were light, airy, whispers of color in a wakening day. It was delicate in ways unbeknownst to most of the world just about to follow the sun’s call back to consciousness. 

 

In the morning she could sit out on her balcony back Home and watch the world come awake before he duties called her. In that moment she was not Heda, only a nameless girl there to greet it, for however short of a period of time that was. 

 

But Clarke.. She was a very piece of that sky. Golden hair, blue eyes, pink lips. She called Lexa’s heart from it’s slumber and had awoken the chirping birds of her soul. Clarke was the stars in the night sky but also, also a gentle sunrise bringing warmth to a cool darkness and a new hope. Except - except in the fact that Clarke did not always come gently like a yawn passing through the forest as flowers bloomed anew, though sometimes she did. Clarke often came like a comment streaking fast across the sky - hot and burning and demanding to be paid attention too. Lexa only hoped that she wouldn’t burn out as quickly. 

 

Lexa didn’t know what she could be comparable too, if she was worthy of being compared to such beautifully divine works of nature. But for now just sharing this quiet morning with Clarke who was everything beautiful and gentle and devastating in the best and worst ways possible, being in her presence was all she ever wanted. 

 

“HEDA! WANHEDA!” Indra calls out to them as they near the gates of TonDC a urgency about her voice Lexa has come to know only really means bad news. She’s snapped from her quiet, happy-for-once, pondering by her general and Clarke seems to be as well. Lexa can’t help but wondering what the girl was thinking about. _Damnit. So much for a peaceful morning._ “We were just about to send out a party in search of you.” 

 

“The weather held us up.” Lexa stiffens atop her horse back into the saddle regaining her regal presence. “What is so urgent.” 

 

“Azgeda. Heda, they attacked 7 villages to the north last night. We do not know the extent of the damage but are awaiting word.”

 

“Send riders to the 11 clans. A war council will convene in Polis in two days. Send your best scouts to learn all we can. Clarke and I will return to Polis after we inform the council at Arcadia. This is an act of war, begin the preparations, General.” 

 

“Sha. Heda.” And with that Indra has returned to inside the gate leaving the two leaders atop their horses in a quiet moment. Lexa turns the her blonde counterpart with whom she has been working on the final negotiations for lasting peace with for months now and the blue eyes look at her with a saddened worry that sinks Lexa’s heart in her chest. 

 

“Lexa, are you ok?” She only swallows and nods back in answer for a moment as she imagines the horrors that unfolded last night in her villages as Clarke and her were sleeping safely by the fire in each others arms. She should have know. She knows there was no way too know but somehow… she should have know. The warm side of Clarke’s horse is pressed up against her leg sandwiching the two girls feet between their horses as Clarke put a hand on where Lexa’s rested with the reins. “This isn’t your fault.” She comforts as if she knew, because of course she did. She’s Clarke and now she must be Wanheda again, lead into another war at Lexa’s fault.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank's for reading guys! I'm still working but more will be up soon. Haven't figured out how many chapters but I'm thinking at least 7. We'll see. 
> 
> Come holler at me on tumblr @alphamiddle21


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